


Children of Earth

by Es_Aitch



Series: Hurt Fic [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2020-08-10 10:17:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20133838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: The Twelfth Doctor spent over 70 years at St. Luke’s University in Bristol.  But there were events on Earth that his previous selves had missed due to not being on Earth.  Some of those events, he had no intention of ever experiencing, but he had no escape this time.  This is one he had to live through.





	1. Chapter 1

The year was 1965. The Doctor, Nardole, and Missy in the Vault, had already been in Bristol for over twenty years, surviving the World War II raids, rationing, and the Beatles. Nardole and the Doctor had fallen into a bit of a routine. The Doctor felt that Missy had been on her own long enough and maybe it was time to try talking to her. So he and Nardole would take turns, once a week, to spend the night outside the Vault and talk to Missy. The Doctor would actually talk, but Nardole would usually just bring a book to read aloud.

It was November, so even though it wasn’t quite time for evening tea, it was already completely dark outside. This year, the Doctor didn’t have any students he was tutoring. Which meant he grew bored easily. Nardole did his best to hide news of UNIT from the Doctor, lest he get too anxious and tried to interfere with things that he had already meddled in once before. But Nardole didn’t know everything. And he certainly didn’t know what a mistake it would be to leave the paper sitting on the tray when he brought the Doctor his dinner.

The Doctor, for his part, mostly ignored the news. He would occasionally read some things, just so he didn’t make a complete fool of himself when he had to make appearances at faculty functions, but usually, he would just spend a few days ‘cramming’ before such events. Still, Nardole would occasionally leave the paper with him, usually in an effort to get the Doctor engaged in helping with various things in the area.

Tonight, was one of those nights. Nardole left the paper sitting on the tray so that a headline mentioning Indonesian Flu would prominently face the Doctor. He went into the Doctor’s office carrying the tray. The Doctor looked up at him. “Time to eat again? Didn’t I just eat?”

Nardole offered what he considered a compassionate smile. “That was two days ago, sir. You’ve been spending all this time teaching and grading papers. Either they are that good, or that bad. You usually grade faster than this.”

The Doctor shrugged. “They’re all average. Firsts and Lasts are earned places. They easily distinguish themselves by the amount of effort they put in or by not even bothering to do the assigned work. It’s the average ones that need all my attention. Because I need to help them improve or convince them that my class isn’t worth their time or effort.”

Nardole frowned at that. He didn’t like it when the Doctor spoke like that. “Doctor, you know there are students who sneak into your lectures just to listen to them, right?”

The Doctor nodded once. “But when I see these students who could get Firsts and they don’t try properly? I wonder where I failed them. I mean, either work to earn your grade, or don’t, but I can’t abide by those who just go through the motions.”

“I think you’ve been focused on grading too long and you just need a break. Eat some food, have some tea, I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.”

The Doctor sighed heavily, but a part of him knew that he should do as Nardole suggested. He cleared a space on his desk so Nardole could put the tray down. “You’re probably right.”

Nardole grinned at the praise as he approached the Doctor’s desk and started to switch things from the tray to the desk. The Doctor noticed the grin. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“No, of course not, Sir.”

The Doctor nodded and looked over the offerings set before him. Mash, chops, and gravy. He looked up at Nardole. “Really?”

Nardole just hummed in agreement. “Given how rarely you eat, I figured you’d need a meal that might last you a bit.”

The Doctor couldn’t argue with that, even though he wanted to. Nardole walked over to stoke the fire again before he left the Doctor in peace.

The Doctor had taken a few bites of the meal when he finally dared to look at the paper. Something about an Indonesian Flu caught his attention. He read through the article and set it aside to continue to eat. After a few more bites, he picked up the paper and read through the article again. Something was niggling at the back of his brain, but he couldn’t quite place it. He finally shrugged it off and decided it must have been related to Clara.

He continued to eat but there was something about the TARDIS, like she was staring at him. He shook his head. “No. You just stop that right now.”

He finished his meal and set the plates aside. He took up his tea and walked to look out the window that faced West. He stared for a long time, searching for something. He wasn’t sure what, but there was something about that article that bothered him. In the distance, he could just make out the reflection of the Cardiff lights against the overcast sky. The TARDIS hummed loudly, getting his attention. It was an odd cross between a warning and an invitation.

“Well, sure I could contact him. Make sure he’s doing okay. He could probably explain what’s going on, why I have such a bad feeling….” He shook his head. “…It’s not a good idea.”

She hummed again. He knew it was a poor excuse. Nothing like that had ever stopped him before. He sighed. “Fine. I’ll come take a look. Then will you leave me alone?”

The Doctor entered the TARDIS. Her monitors were blank. “Are you kidding me? You ask me in here then don’t give me any other information.”

After a moment, one monitor flashed to life:

CALL JACK

“Oh, that is not helpful. He won’t even know me. It’s been two bodies since he last saw me.”

She flashed the message at him again. He huffed and picked up the phone. “This isn’t going to go well.”

She just hummed at him with encouragement. He nodded and dialled the number. “Secure the line. You know we shouldn’t get involved.” 

There was a bleep from the TARDIS before the phone started to ring. It rang several times before a smooth-baritone voice with an American accent spoke. “Jack Harkness.”

It took a moment before the Doctor could speak. “Jack. Indonesian Flu. Something is up with it. What do you know?”

There was a long pause, the Doctor thought Jack was about to hang up. Instead the younger man asked, “Do I know you?”

“No. But I know you. Torchwood. Torchwood Three, to be precise. You didn’t like how it was run, so you rebuilt… No… 1965. Not yet. You will do one day. Sorry. Torchwood probably still works with UNIT these days. As for you. You’re the man who can’t die.”

Jack paused and then quietly spoke. “You have my attention.”

“History’s a bit muddled for me. Especially Earth history. Although, I was never on Earth for a long time in 1965. But I figured you would know. There’s something about this epidemic that I should know. Something on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t place it.”

“I don’t talk to people I don’t know. Even if they know me.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “You knew me once. Long ago, but timelines. I can’t tell you.”

There was something Jack recognised now. His voice was only a whisper. “_Doctor_.”

He desperately wanted to answer the longing he heard in Jack’s voice. “I can’t tell you.”

“We already have retcon. I can forget this ever happened. Please.”

The Doctor sighed, knowing that Jack had already figured it out. He was defeated. “Yes.”

“You survived, then! I mean, the TARDIS vanished so I hoped, but I wasn’t sure.”

“After a fashion. I regenerated.”

“I can tell by your voice. But you and Rose… You made it?”

“We did.” That time anyway, silly to tell him about Canary Warf, all that to look forward to. “But this flu. There’s something I should know about it. What can you tell me?”

“I only just learned of it myself. But it seems it will be bad. Wipe out quite a large percentage of the planet. There’s an alien race willing to help us out, though. You can tell me if they’re trustworthy or not.”

“Jack, stop.”

“But, Doctor, I can’t make this decision alone.”

“It doesn’t matter if I tell you, you won’t remember anyway. You promised to use retcon.”

Jack sighed. “I did. And you’re right. So that’s the only reason you called? Not anything else?”

“I’m… Yes. Jack, I can’t help this second, but if you tell me the name of the aliens, I might be able to do something in the future.”

The Doctor could hear the phone muffle as Jack shrugged. “They didn’t tell us their name. Only the frequency they use to communicate is 4-5-6.”

The Doctor’s hearts dropped to his feet. This was the beginning. This was where it had all started. He had flashbacks to when he had learned only too late of all that had happened during those horrible five days that were 44 years in Jack’s future and several bodies in his past. He recovered quickly. He couldn’t tell Jack what was about to happen. “What do they want?”

“The conservative prediction is over twenty-five million people will die when this flu mutates to a new strain. They want twelve children in exchange for the cure.”

The Doctor huffed quietly to himself – it would be twelve, wouldn’t it? But history couldn’t be changed. Even without Jack’s involvement, this event, as well as what awaited them in 2009, were Fixed Points. The Doctor knew what they used the children for and still he couldn’t tell Jack anything. He swallowed hard. “Find children who won’t be missed, Jack. Those on the streets or even in care homes. It doesn’t make the task any less grizzly, but you can make it as painless as possible for families.”

The Doctor hated himself for giving Jack that advice. But Jack deserved better than to carry the weight of that alone on his conscience. Jack swallowed hard at the Doctor’s recommendation. “And you approve?”

“Of course not! But this event, it’s already happened for me. It’s a Fixed Point, it would always happen. I can’t be there for you the way you want me to be, but I can give you that much.”

Jack hummed, not really believing the Doctor. “Can we trust them?”

The Doctor was quiet in return for some moments. “They will provide the cure.”

Jack smirked. “You know that’s not the same, right?”

“It’s the best I can do, Jack.”

Jack nodded. He knew he wasn’t going to get any more. Still, he had missed the alien and he would take what he could get. “Will I ever see you again?”

The Doctor smiled at the thought that Jack would want to see him again. “I’ve missed you too, Jack. Good luck.”

With that Jack rang off. The Doctor slowly lowered the receiver to hang it up. He looked up at the time rotor. “Did you know? All that pressure to call him. Did you know this is what would happen?”

She beeped and whirled in the affirmative. He smacked the edge of the console, frustrated that she would do that to him. A beep caught his attention and he looked back at the monitor.

HE WILL NEED YOU IN FORTY-FOUR YEARS. 

“So, are you saying that I couldn’t be involved the first time around because I was here now?”

NOT QUITE. 

“Then what?”

YOU CAN’T STOP WHAT WILL HAPPEN.  
BUT YOU CAN HELP JACK WHEN HE WILL NEED YOU MOST. 

The Doctor pulled a hand down his face. “And you thought I needed this for what? Backstory?”

He heard beeps and whirls. He rolled his eyes. He knew she was right. That didn’t mean he liked it, though. “Fine. I hope you know what you’re doing, but I guess I have to wait to find out.”

He exited the TARDIS and returned to his desk. He needed to clear off the dinner plates and get back to grading. At least he understood why the article had bothered him so much.

Several weeks later, Nardole again left a paper with his dinner. This time, there was a report of mandatory inoculations against a terrible strain of Indonesian flu. The Doctor sighed and pulled a hand down his face. He still wasn’t sure he had done the right thing. 

Nardole caught the gesture and spoke before he left the room. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The Doctor shook his head. “Nothing to talk about.”

“Sure, there is. I leave an article about a flu for you to read and a couple of weeks later, there’s an inoculation call.”

“I had nothing to do with it.”

“Come on, Doctor, nothing?”

The Doctor shook his head. “Not this time. This time, it was all Torchwood.”

Nardole hummed. “Jack Harkness. You didn’t even help him?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I called him to give a nudge in the right direction. But he promised to take retcon afterwards. So, it was all him."

Nardole hummed disbelievingly. The Doctor shrugged. “This is only the beginning. It was the groundwork for something much worse that will happen in the future. And when it does, I expect you to take full responsibility for involving me now.”

Nardole frowned in confusion. “Will it be that bad?”

“Probably worse, but you’ll have to wait.”

Nardole nodded, still confused, but he left the Doctor in peace.


	2. Forty-four years later.  Day One.

It was early one morning in September of 2009 when the Doctor was taking a walk. He had finished mid-term grading and he just needed to enjoy the fresh air before it turned too cold for long walks. He was walking along one of the outdoor arcades when he noticed something very strange: all the children had stopped. They didn’t move at all. It was like they were caught in some kind of trance. The Doctor noted the time on a nearby clock: 8.40. A couple of minutes later and everything returned to normal, children moving, and their parents rushing them to school.

He continued back to St. Luke’s. He only had one lecture today. It was scheduled to start at nine. A part of him wanted to cancel entirely, but he knew it would be better to shorten it down to one hour, students hated getting all the way to school just to have classes cancelled as much as he hated it when they flaked out on appointments with him. So, he would do the lecture in one hour and then get back to the TARDIS to do some research. Yes, it was a fine plan.

Once he ended the lecture, he rushed back to his TARDIS as quickly as he could. He really didn't stop for anyone, though it seemed everyone wanted his attention today. It was 10.10 when he was finally able to check some readouts using the TARDIS’ help. Doing a quick search, he found seventeen traffic accidents happening across the UK at the same time, between 8.40 and 8.41. The same time he had seen the children stop.

He widened the search parameters. He used GMT, searching for accidents or any reports of kids behaving strangely at the same time. And there were hundreds of reports that had been filed from around the world. “That’s weird. Very weird. And concerning.”

He pulled the other monitor over so he could see both at the same time. On the second one, he pulled up access to CCTV around a couple of schools in the area, and displayed them. Then going back to the first, he hacked into the UNIT files to see what they were saying. The United Nations listed UNIT as Yellow Alert – a precautionary measure. “Oh, very not good.”

Suddenly, he heard a loud scream coming from the CCTV feed. All the children were stopped. And screaming. He checked the time: 10.30. Suddenly everyone went quiet. And then, the children started to speak: “We. We. We. We are. We are. We are. We are coming. We are coming…..”

They continued to repeat the phrase. After about a minute, everything went back to normal. It was in the blink of an eye. The Doctor shuddered.

The Doctor staggered back and fell against one of the seats. He pulled a hand down his face, horrified. He couldn’t get involved. But it was terrible to experience it. He had read about this event. He knew what was going to happen. And there was nothing he could do to stop or change it.

He made his way back out to the office, then down the stairs to where the secretaries were seated. He approached one of the women. He offered a smile. “Nabeela. You’re looking lovely today. Did you do something different with your hair?”

She looked up at him, a slightly worried expression on her features. She was a middle-aged woman and they had worked together for a long time. “You’re being nice. Why are you being nice?”

He tilted his head. Caught out and without an escape he shrugged. “Because it works on you?”

She offered a tiny smile. He was right. It worked on her. “What do you need?”

He smiled in return. “Cancel all of my lectures, meetings, and office hours for the rest of the week. And I want you to take the rest of the week off too.”

She frowned. “I can’t. I don’t have the holiday hours saved.”

He nodded. “You can, I have the right to give you that time off. You will take it and spend it with those lovely children of yours.” He gestured to the photos of kids on her desk.

Her frown remained. “The dean will want an explanation.”

The Doctor nodded. “Tell her too many of my adult students have children.”

Nabeela’s frown deepened. The Doctor nodded. “And if that’s not enough, tell her it will all become clear on the news tonight.”

“For someone who calls himself ‘The Doctor’, you have a terrible bed-side manner.”

He nodded. “It has been said. Now, get to it. And as soon as you’re finished, go home.”

She swallowed and nodded. The Doctor got into these moods sometimes and over the years, she had learned that it was best not to argue with him. In fact, it was best just to do what he said. She started to type up the appropriate forms and make the calls that would be necessary.

The Doctor sighed with relief and made his way back to his office. He couldn’t stop what was about to happen, but maybe he could ease the impact it would have on those closest to him. When he got there, Nardole was stood in front of the TARDIS. His arms were crossed and he looked like a sentinel guard. His expression was somewhat stern.

The Doctor tried to move past him, but the android could be quite immoveable when he wanted to be. The Doctor sighed. “Nardole, get out of the way.”

Nardole shook his head. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t. This is all history for me. Please, just let me get into the TARDIS.”

Nardole scowled. “You have a Vault to guard.”

The Doctor groaned in frustration. “I’m not running. I’m hiding. I can’t get involved in this.”

Now Nardole was concerned. “Show me. I wasn’t here before. Maybe I can help.”

The Doctor knew it was pointless to argue with him, so gestured that he should lead the way.

Once they were inside the TARDIS, the Doctor went to the monitors. The one showing CCTV looked fairly normal for a school day. He started to put information into the other one. Nardole asked, “What are you doing?”

“Hacking into Torchwood Three. I want to see what they are researching.” Nardole shook his head. “I don’t understand. Why would you want to do that when you say you can’t get involved?”

“Because maybe I can influence or provide support from a distance.”

“Doctor, what is going on.”

The Doctor finished his hack. On the display was an oriental girl repeating the phrase “We are coming.”

Nardole shook his head. “Yeah, that’s already been on the 24-hour news feeds, why does Torchwood care?”

“Because she’s speaking English. Every child in the world spoke that phrase in English.”

The monitor flickered as someone at Torchwood brought up a different image. This time it was of a man, repeating the same phrase. Nardole looked closer. “I thought it was just kids.”

The Doctor nodded. “This man is different. He… met them before.”

At that Nardole turned with shock at the Doctor. “You do know what’s going on. What’s happening?”

“I told you that this is my past personal history. I can’t get involved.”

Nardole sighed and looked back at the monitor. “Maybe you can’t, but I can.”

“Nardole, no. Not this time. It’s too big.”

There was something about the Doctor’s tone that made Nardole look at him again. “You weren’t here on Earth when it happened.”

“I didn’t think I was, but clearly, here I am.”

“No but when it happened the first time for you." 

The Doctor nodded. “The creatures. They’re only known by the frequency they use to communicate. They’re called the 4-5-6.” He looked up as if he could see through the TARDIS and into outer-space where the ship was. “Right now, they’re creating a barrier around the Earth. No radio frequencies will be allowed in or out past where their ship is currently located. Earth makes a lot of noise in this part of space, but compared to the rest of the universe, it’s still fairly quiet. No one across the whole universe will realise that Earth is cut off until it is all over.” 

Nardole was starting to understand. “So, you couldn’t have been here last time, because you didn’t know it was happening. And now, you do know it’s happening and you’re here, but you can’t get involved because it’s a Fixed Point.”

The Doctor nodded sadly. Nardole looked at the monitors and then turned to face him. “But it ultimately sorts itself out, right?”

The Doctor nodded again. “A terrible price was paid. But, yes.”

“Well, we could do what everyone else will, and watch it unfold on telly. You know what’s happening, but maybe this time you need to just experience it.”

The Doctor sighed. “I suppose, but I’d rather not leave the TARDIS. If I do, I’ll want to get involved.”

Nardole nodded. “Fair enough. I’ll get some food and meet you in the lounge.”

The Doctor sighed, but turned to move in the direction of the room.

Things were quiet for several hours. The media wasn’t giving them very much information. Then the entire TARDIS, shook like someone had tried to move it. The Doctor ran to the console room. She was already displaying the appropriate CCTV on the monitor. Most of Roald Dahl Plass was alight. The Doctor backed away from the monitor and collapsed into one of the seats. He covered his head with his hands. He wanted this to stop. He wanted to save Jack, but there was nothing he could do but watch.

Nardole followed behind, but a bit slower. The Doctor was already hunched over by the time he got to the console room. He looked at the images of the Plass on fire. Then he looked over at the Doctor. “The Plass? Why would anyone attack it?”

The Doctor shook his head. “They weren’t attacking the Plass, they were attacking Jack Harkness and Torchwood Three.”

“And there’s nothing you can do.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Nothing. All I can do is watch and wait, like the rest of the world.”

“Well,” Nardole tried for a lighter tone, “You have one advantage over everyone else. You know how it turns out.”

The Doctor huffed and blew a raspberry while rolling his eyes. “You do realise that only makes the waiting harder.”

“Does anything else happen tonight?”

The Doctor looked up at Nardole. “Hasn’t enough happened?”

“Well, I only ask, because maybe you should sleep. At least get a couple hours in.”

The Doctor ran his hand through his hair. “You’re probably right.”


	3. Day Two

Nardole found the Doctor in the lounge, watching the news reports. “Did you sleep at all?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I tried to. I promise, I did.”

Nardole hummed with disapproval. “Well, I’m glad you tried.”

He wasn’t going to press. The Doctor was having a hard enough time with all of this already, he didn’t want to make it worse. “I’ll just go and get some breakfast. Have you any requests?”

The Doctor shook his head again and just watched the newsfeeds. Nardole pressed his lips together, but just left. He was going to make sure the Doctor at least tried to eat. Hiding or not, the Doctor needed someone to be with him through this. It sounded like it would only be a week. Nardole could handle a week of this.

The Doctor was tired of the news. It was daytime, feeds would be active again. He made his way to the console room; he was going to pull up feeds. But he couldn’t remember which feeds to watch. Downing Street, Thames House, Whitehall, and MI-5 buildings, obviously, but that wouldn’t help him with Jack.

He searched the TARDIS databanks for ideas. Finally, a name stuck out at him: Ashton Down. He pulled their CCTV up. They seemed to be watching a body bag. It had to be the right place. He patched the various feeds to the lounge, so he could watch those as he watched the news.

He saw a feed that was clearly from a government agency. He saw Gwen’s face and shouted. “YES!”

Nardole had just come in with breakfast. “Good news?”

“Gwen’s alive. Or at least was.”

Nardole looked confused. “If you know how things turn out, then you’d know that, right?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I really hope that. Sometimes, there are elements of Fixed Points that can change. Even if the overall event remains the same. Besides, I need all the good news I can get.”

Nardole nodded. “Fair enough. So, I have a bit of breakfast. I didn’t know how hungry you’d be, so there’s fruit and some pastries. Tea to drink.”

He set the tray down. The Doctor looked over the offerings an picked up a little fruit and one of the Danish rolls. He started to eat when suddenly all the feeds start to blare warnings and some showed videos of children speaking in unison. “We are coming, tomorrow.”

He checked the time 10.30 in the morning, GMT. Break time. Everything was scheduled around the schools. And he was really still no closer to understanding anything about the 4-5-6. At least not what he wanted to understand. He knew how they used the children. But that didn’t help him with how to defeat them. And he needed to defeat them. He had allowed them to live for too long. He needed to take them out.

Later that afternoon, he saw the feed from Ashton Down. Jack had come back. But then he saw they were pouring something into the cell and the feed went dark. At least Jack was alive, he could sort out the rest later.

Beyond that, there was nothing. The Aliens would arrive the next day and that was all anyone seemed to care about. Frustrated, the Doctor left the room and went to take a nap. Tomorrow was going to be a very long day; he was certain of it.


	4. Day Three

The Doctor woke early. He made some toast and tea, then settled in to watch all the news feeds. There wasn’t much new information available, other than the schools closing around the world. He was more nervous than he expected. Experiencing these things in person was very different from reading them.

Suddenly an alarm sounded. He looked at one of the monitors. The Torchwood feed had come alive again. “Finally, now I’ll get some real news.”

For a long time, the small Torchwood group just searched for information they had already looked for. Probably just trying to get updates. After a few hours, a face appeared on the screen. With information about a man named John Frobisher. “Oh, so you _were_ younger when you first regenerated!”

Nardole startled him. He shook his head. “No, I really wasn’t. I…” he swallowed hard before continuing, “I think things are about to get really difficult for me.”

Nardole squinted and then looked back at the Doctor. The haircut was nearly identical. Over the years, the Doctor would sometimes wear his hair in whatever seemed stylish for the time, so other than the hair being a little greyer and the wrinkles being a little deeper, Nardole could be convinced it was the same person. “It really looks like you. You sure you didn’t just forget?”

The Doctor shook his head. He stared at the screen, not really believing what he saw. “I had only seen his name before. I had no idea what he looked like until now. I hadn’t been interested enough to research it. I was just trying to get the most information the quickest way possible.” He frowned, finally registering Nardole’s question. “I chose this face to remind me that I save people. It was the face of someone I had saved in Pompeii.” He gestured to the monitor. “I doubt that man has the same interest in mind.”

Nardole shrugged. “Government types rarely do.”

Screens started to change as Torchwood was clearly on to something. As was the Government. The Torchwood screens didn’t seem to help, but the Government screens… Alice Carter. Jack’s daughter. So, things were starting to kick into gear. “Nardole, I won’t be able to eat real food today. But snacks, something easy to digest, and keep the tea flowing. Please?”

Nardole nodded. “Anything to keep you functional, Sir.”

It was more than he expected from the android and this way he’d leave him alone for a bit. Maybe Nardole knew how serious this whole situation actually was. He was grateful for that. His nerves were on edge and he wouldn’t have been able to handle Nardole’s normal attitudes if not.

The news feeds all changed again. It showed all the children pointing toward… London. This was the start of the invasion. The kids in London were all pointing to the heart of the city. One of the CCTV feeds showed what looked like a ball of fire descending from the sky into one of the buildings. “Thames House.” The Doctor mumbled to himself. But that was more because he had read the stories. He knew what happened. He knew where the events happened. It didn’t make the experience any easier.

Suddenly the radio he had tuned to 4-5-6 came to life. At first it was just a screeching and growling sound. Suddenly a voice speaking English came across the speakers. “Speak.”

The Doctor listened carefully. Another voice came through. His voice, if he were a bit younger than he was now. It wasn’t quite as gravelly. He hated listening to this, knowing the decisions the man with his voice would make. 

When Frobisher made his request for information to be ‘off the record’, the Doctor swallowed hard. Most people wouldn’t understand why such a request would be made, but the Doctor did. Frobisher was a middle man thrown into a horrifying situation. Something that was well beyond him. 

The Doctor wondered if the 4-5-6 came specifically at this time because they knew he was off-planet. He pulled a hand down his face. Thinking that way would do no good. He walked to one of the keyboards. He needed to know everything that was going on, so he patched into the mobile network until he located John Frobisher’s number. He would listen to everything. There had to be more to this story than what the man had requested of the aliens.

It wasn’t too long after that Frobisher’s line connected. The Doctor listened carefully. Oh, now he understood. The Government was washing its hands of everything and setting Frobisher up to take the fall no matter what happened. The Doctor felt a twang of sympathy for the man. He clearly couldn’t say no at this point.

Frobisher’s line connected again. Another familiar voice was speaking with him now. Jack. Somehow Jack had gotten in contact. Well, good, with Jack about there was always hope. Again, he listened carefully. Without directly asking for help, he could tell that John was asking for help. But then there was his last comment about Jack being a better man than him. The Doctor sucked in breath at that. Maybe he had a bit of Frobisher in him after all. That was a sobering thought. He was just glad that Nardole and Missy hadn’t heard that call, or he’d never hear the end of it.

A few minutes later, the Torchwood system kicked alive again. This time, with an image of a woman. The Doctor wondered where the camera was coming from, but when he saw the contact case, he knew. “Oh, that’s brilliant. I need to get me a pair of those.”

Just then Nardole came in with a mug of tea and some snacks. The Doctor looked at him and debated what to say or do. “You can stay, if you dare.”

Nardole frowned. “If I dare?”

The Doctor shrugged. “If the accounts I read were accurate, it gets rather grizzly from here.”

Nardole tried to take in the Doctor’s meaning. “You mean with your double?”

The Doctor nodded once. Nardole found a chair and pulled it near where the Doctor was sitting. “Then I’ll stay.”

The Doctor felt oddly comforted by that fact. “Thank you.”

Together they watched as the events unfolded. There were two monitors. One from the Torchwood lenses and another from a camera feed inside the room. Nardole was horrified when he heard the request from the 4-5-6 for ten percent of the world’s children. He looked over at the Doctor. The Doctor looked more pale than usual – like he was going to be sick.

When everyone left the room, Nardole put a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. “Maybe you should take a break?”

The Doctor shook his head. “Now that I know, that another man with this face did such…. I can’t. I have to see it through.”

Nardole sighed. He knew better than to argue with the Doctor when he was in one of these moods. “Okay. But drink some tea at least.”

The Doctor nodded and picked the mug up and took a few sips. The feeds hadn’t come back on so he took a few more sips. The waiting was worse than watching the events unfold. Suddenly, the feeds clicked on again. They were getting their first proper look at the creatures.

Nardole squeaked when he saw the child. “What are they using the kids for?”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “Drugs. The chemical balance of the children acts as a drug for them.”

“You said grizzly. I didn’t understand until now.”

The Doctor nodded once. Nardole looked between all the feeds, they seemed to have gone quiet. “You should try to rest.”

“How can I rest, when this is all my fault? I should have stopped them a long time ago now.”

Nardole shook his head. “No. Don’t go starting that self-blame stuff. Go and rest on the sofa.”

The Doctor was emotionally beyond tired. It was hard to hear his voice and see his face doing these terrible things. Maybe Nardole was right. “Fine. But wake me if something happens?”

“Yes, Doctor.”


	5. Day Four

Nardole didn’t have to wake the Doctor, the sound of the trill of Frobisher’s mobile did that. Again, the Doctor heard Jack’s voice, which woke him up properly. Jack offered an olive branch to Frobisher. The Doctor mumbled as he listened. “He won’t take it.”

Nardole frowned. “You sure, how do you know?”

He sighed. “Because if I was in his position, I wouldn’t take it.”

“Thought you said he wasn’t you.”

“He’s not. But we do think alike. Tactical as we need to be. He has two children and will do everything in his power to protect them.”

“You don’t see him as bad.”

The Doctor shook his head. “He was stuck in a terrible situation. Middle men are often left with very few options. Regardless of what we want to do or what we really believe, sometimes the only choices we have are bad ones. I believe he’s doing the best he can.”

About twenty minutes later and it was clear they were in the cabinet briefing room. The Doctor watched the feed with interest. Nardole gasped when he heard the proposal. “They’re going to do it? Just like that?”

The Doctor nodded. “In 1965, I told Jack to find the children no one would miss. This is all my fault.”

“No!” Nardole’s reply was stern and immediate. “You tried to help Jack. You did help Jack. You can’t control every alien race out there, Doctor.”

The Doctor shrugged, but didn’t really believe the android.

Another twenty minutes later and Frobisher was back at Thames House, talking to the 4-5-6. The aliens answered with a different number; the Doctor sighed. “They rejected the offer.” He heard the reports coming in from around the world. “Children in each country are saying a different number. The number they are saying is equal to ten percent of the children in that country.”

They had to wait until Frobisher returned to the Cabinet Briefing Room. At which point the Doctor and Nardole watched and listened with great interest. They had no idea how this was going to turn out. Not really. The Doctor knew the solution, but didn’t know how that solution had to come about. If he was going to help Jack later, and the TARDIS said he would, he needed to know as much as possible.

Nardole listened in horror to how the government officials were talking about selecting children. “I thought you liked humans. But today, I really don’t see how.”

The Doctor was as silent as the room had gone when it was suggested that the lowest achieving students would be selected. It took some time before he answered. “This is humanity at its lowest. And most days I don’t really see the government types as human anyway.”

He pulled a hand down his face. It wasn’t a good answer. But it was the best he had right then. Nardole didn’t argue. They saw the message in the contacts. “Now it all kicks off.”

“Whew, I thought you said that before. I can’t imagine if it gets worse.”

“No one has died yet.”

It was all the answer the Doctor had to give Nardole. They watched the contacts as the cabinet meeting resumed. They heard enough, but couldn’t hear what the young woman, Lois, said. The Doctor smiled, though and Nardole caught it. “Doctor?”

“She was a nobody twenty minutes ago. Now, she has the entire UK government eating out of her hand.” He gestured to the monitor. “_That’s_ why I love the human race.”

Nardole couldn’t help but nod in agreement. In a few moments, they saw the feed from the room of the 4-5-6 go live with Jack Harkness speaking. Nardole looked over at the Doctor when Jack mentioned the saying of ‘an injury to one is an injury to all. And when people act according to that philosophy, the human race is the finest species in the universe.’ Nardole smiled. “You?”

The Doctor nodded. “A very, very long time ago. I was a completely different person back then, fresh from War myself.”

Nardole nodded and continued to listen. They both sat in quiet horror as they watched Ianto and Jack die from the virus the 4-5-6 had released. They sat there in stunned silence for some minutes. Finally, the Doctor cleared his throat. “Tonight, we sleep. Nothing else will happen before 6am.”

Nardole nodded as if he had heard, but he hadn’t. “You sat there like a stranger. Like it was some kind of telly program.”

The Doctor shook his head. “There was nothing else I could do, Nardole.”

“You went back and saved your planet. Wouldn’t this be a blip by comparison?”

“No. Jack Harkness is a Fixed Point. That’s not supposed to happen to sapient creatures. But it happened to _him_. If he hadn’t been involved, I would chance it. But with him? There’s a very real chance any action I take could completely destroy the universe. This is hard enough. Go to bed.”

Nardole took in the Doctor’s appearance. And for once, he believed the other man. He didn’t think he was lying in any form. He nodded and made his way out of the lounge.


	6. Day Five

The next morning, Nardole came in early with coffee – heavy on the sugar – and scones for the Doctor. The Doctor looked at the tray and back at Nardole. “Thought I said easy to digest.”

Nardole shrugged. “You also mentioned that this only lasted five days and today is day five.”

The Doctor nodded and gestured to the monitor. The current Prime Minister, Brian Green, was on the screen telling the citizens of the UK to return to their daily routines, including sending their children to school. The Doctor sighed when the broadcast completed. “So that’s how they planned to do it. Sometimes I really hate humanity.”

“No, you don’t. You hate government. There’s a difference. I mean, hating government, isn’t that why you don’t like being President of Earth or Gallifrey?”

“You know, sometimes, you’re really not helpful at all.”

The Doctor picked up a scone and put it on a plate and then took a sip of his coffee. He nodded in approval, Nardole had made it correctly. 

“Sir, something’s happening at Thames House.”

The Doctor looked up on the feed and saw a man in a familiar uniform. “UNIT has taken over. Given the list of those who died yesterday, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

Then the news came on informing the public of the same information Brian Green had said earlier and telling the public the children would be safe and asking them to trust the government. Nardole huffed. “Chance of that fine thing.

The Doctor only nodded in agreement. Police reports started to file in. Lois Habiba and Captain Jack Harkness were both arrested.

News reports continued to come in from all over the world. Different ways the different governments were surrendering their children. The Doctor was transfixed at the images of John Frobisher arriving at his house. About ten minutes later four gunshots rang out. Nardole stared at the Doctor for a moment. “Did he just…?”

The Doctor nodded. “Killed his wife, children, and then himself. If I remember the reports I read, the Prime Minister had told him that his children would be sacrificed.”

Nardole frowned. “But yesterday, they said all the children of the people in the room…”

“I know.” The Doctor cut him off. “But Brian Green was an even worse man than Frobisher ever considered himself to be.”

“They’re all traitors. More worried about themselves than the planet.” Nardole paused. “Doctor, I’m glad you’re President of Earth in these times.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Because no matter how many people die, you would never go back on your word in that way, unless you were going to subject everyone to the same fate.”

“I’d like to believe you’re right.”

“If you don’t believe me. Believe your late wife. When this is all over, go read her diary again.”

The Doctor smirked at that. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”

Nardole only nodded. They returned to watching the feeds. There was a government feed that said Jack was to be transported to Ashton Down. The Doctor filled in the blanks. “Jack is going to find a way to save them. He will make the ultimate sacrifice to do it.”

The Torchwood servers came to life again. The Doctor smiled sadly. Nardole commented. “The great ones usually do have to make a sacrifice of some sort to save everyone. I’ve seen you do that often enough.”

The Doctor looked over at Nardole. For the first time in many years, there was an air of mutual respect. While they had been talking another feed had come back to life. The Doctor smiled. “The Torchwood Lenses. How did that happen?”

Nardole knew it was a rhetorical question, but he shrugged in reply anyway. They watched the feed a moment as the images revealed the way to Number 10 and the Doctor realised it could only be one person. “Frobisher’s assistant. It has to be.”

Nardole raised an eyebrow. “I thought you knew how things turned out.”

“I do. Mostly. But details were hard to come by for me at the time.”

The other Torchwood feed came to life again. Nardole looked over at it. “They’re analysing some kind of wavelength.”

The Doctor nodded with deep sadness etched on his features. “They figured out that if they copy the wavelength and send it back at the 4-5-6, it would destroy them, the same way they used it to kill the man the other night.”

Nardole frowned. “But then they’d need a transmitter. And the only transmitters are…”

“Children. I know.”

“But who? How do they choose?”

“In the entire universe, there is only one child located at Ashton Down.” A tear slid down the Doctor’s cheek as he thought about what that must have been like for Jack.

Suddenly the 4-5-6 frequency activated with a shrill tone. Nardole moved to turn the volume down. The Doctor said sternly, “Don’t!”

Nardole knew that tone in the Doctor’s voice and backed away. He looked over at the Doctor. He was clearly crying now, though he was silent and completely still. The sound lasted about two minutes, then everything was silent for a moment. The Doctor sighed, but didn’t touch the tears on his face. “It’s over. So is Jack’s relationship with his daughter.”

Nardole frowned. “Why?”

“Because the only child available was his grandson.”

The Doctor’s tears and his desire to listen to the shrill tone suddenly made sense to Nardole. In his own way, the Doctor was suffering with both Jack and the boy. Sentimental idiot.

Then the speakers in Thames House came to life again. “Colonel, do we have a report?” It took a few moments, but then the reply came. “It’s gone. The 4-5-6 has gone.”

There was another delay and the Doctor looked at the screen displaying the lenses. They listened to the lip-reading voice. “Lucky with the Americans, I mean. General Pierce took charge without ratification from the United Nations. We can say that today's events were in American hands.”

Nardole grimaced. “I _really_ don’t like him.”

“Hush.”

They listened as Green and Riley’s replies came over the speaker. Nardole smiled. “Frobisher’s assistant had recorded everything and just told him that, didn’t she?”

The Doctor nodded. “She couldn’t save John Frobisher from his self-demise, but she could restore his honour to what it needed to be.”

Nardole smiled. “Sounds a bit like the reason you need people to travel with you.”

“Frobisher and I aren’t so different, after all.”

The Doctor wasted no time. He knew Jack and where Jack would be. One of the advantages of living through the same time period twice. “I have to go. Look after the Vault.”

Nardole looked at the Doctor. “No. You need to rest first.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re really not, Sir. Please, just for a few hours. You have a time machine. Whatever you’re thinking about doing can wait until you’ve had proper rest.”

The Doctor thought about it. Nardole was right. He sighed, stood, and made his way to the door. “Would you mind… setting everything right in the meantime? I think Jack is going to need some time. I can give that to him.”

Nardole then understood. “Promise me you’ll rest. You’ll be no good to him in your condition.”

The Doctor nodded. Nardole offered a cheerful smile. “Good-oh.”

The Doctor headed towards his bedroom. Not that he would properly admit it, but Nardole was right. He hadn’t properly rested for the entire five days and before he went to Jack, he needed to do that.


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor trudged towards his bedroom. Now that he was heading in this direction, he really felt like rubbish. That was a problem for him. He would run himself into the ground and then suddenly need to crash. That, more than most people realised, was one of the great benefits of travelling with humans. They needed to rest, so even if he didn’t sleep, it would force him to at least slow down a little. Which helped him to pace himself. But this time, Nardole had more or less left him alone. It was just as well, he wouldn’t have done what the part-android would have wanted anyway. Unfortunately, it left him in his current predicament. 

He looked down the hall. He wasn’t far from his room, but now that he was aware of his exhaustion, he wasn’t sure he would make it even that far. He had done a number on himself the past few days. He should have known he’d have to pay for it eventually. He never thought about such consequences when he was in the middle of something, though. There was always time to recover later. And even if there wasn’t, well he’d either be dead or regenerate, so it wasn’t worth worrying too much. He was glad he didn’t have to tutor anyone just now. He was barely in a condition to take care of himself, let alone taking care of anyone else. 

He glanced back towards the other end of the hall. Too far from the console room. Even the kitchen seemed too far away right now. He turned back to the bedroom door. It was closer than anything else. He partly wondered if the TARDIS was making it difficult for him on purpose. The TARDIS groaned in protest. The Doctor sighed. “You’re right, I’m sorry, Old Girl.”

He patted the wall as he continued his way down the hall. For some reason, it reminded him of his journey back to the teleport chamber in the Confession Dial. He sighed again. He knew why he was thinking of that. In the end, the past five days were Jack’s personal Confession Dial. He never mentioned the parallels to Nardole. He hadn’t really told Nardole of his experiences in the Confession Dial, so he would have never understood.

He sighed heavily. Right now, he needed River. He had explained more to her about his time in the Dial than he had anyone else. Well, except the TARDIS, but she had her own hell during that time, he didn’t need to add to her suffering. He didn’t like adding to anyone’s suffering, which is why he didn’t often talk about such things. But he and River had twenty-four years. There had been time to turn the suffering into joy. Since her death and meeting Missy, he had talked less and less about himself.

Finally, he made it to his bedroom. He only had enough energy to literally collapse into bed.

The Doctor returned to consciousness. At first, he wasn’t sure if it had been hours or days. Then his time sense kicked in. It had been ten hours and two point oh-three minutes. He wouldn’t need to sleep again for a while. He was actually surprised he hadn’t had any nightmares. Then he realised: the TARDIS. She would have graced him with that gift given the past few days.

He got out of bed and made his way to the shower. He patted the wall to thank the TARDIS. After he was clean and dressed, he made his way to the kitchen. Nardole would leave him alone until at least tomorrow morning. He would take advantage of the time. He didn’t want much, but he made a cup of tea. He sat down at the table and took the time to really relax into the tea. It was Saturday, so he had two days to get himself in shape for Jack. He had to lecture Monday morning, but he’d have until his Tuesday afternoon tutor session free. It would be time enough to get Jack settled in.

Startling him out of his thoughts, an alarm was blaring. The Doctor sighed and took the remainder of his tea with him to the Console Room. Nardole would clean it if he had to leave suddenly. Once at the Console, he looked at one of the monitors to see what was wrong. He groaned. It was the Vault Alarm. He looked up at the Time Rotor. “This better not be your doing. I’m not really in the mood for her.”

There was a beep and a whirl from the TARDIS, she was not even going to acknowledge his accusation. Instead, she offered what she always did: the truth. “_She might be in the mood for you_.”

He bit his lip. The TARDIS was right, as usual. Missy might have an idea or two. Worst case, the TARDIS probably needs a break from his emotions at this point. “You’re right. As usual.”

He left the TARDIS and made his way down to the Vault. He could have taken the TARDIS, but the walk would do him good.


	8. Chapter 8

The Doctor arrived at the Vault. He checked everything, but it all seemed secure. Then he noticed some urine nearby. “Bloody students! I can’t make the settings less secure, but it’d be nice if I could set them to know the difference between an attack and students being students.”

He heard a faint voice from the other side. “Talking to yourself again?”

“No.” He answered her far too quickly. She would know he was lying now. Not that she didn’t always know when he was lying.

He huffed and sat down outside the vault doors. He could faintly hear her do the same. Both were quiet for a long time. Then Missy spoke. “I watched the news. That man Frobisher looked a lot like you.”

“Acted a bit like me too.”

“You’re the one who said it.”

The Doctor smirked. “Is that all you have to say? No jabs, no attacks?”

“I’m in here to learn to be good.”

He shrugged to himself. She had a point, not that he was going to tell her that. In fact, he didn’t feel much like talking. He didn’t know why he was still sitting here. “Tell me,” her voice broke into the silence, “What was it like listening to someone with your voice and face do all of that?”

“I lived through all of this before.”

“That isn’t what I asked. Tell me, Doctor, what was it like?”

He huffed and moved to his feet. He paced anxiously in front of the door, debating how much to tell her. He was silent too long and she prompted again. “Doctor?”

“HELL!” He breathed heavily for a few moments after the one-word explosion. He stopped in front of the doors and leant his head against them. Then softly stated, “It was hell.”

Missy allowed silence to hang for a minute or so. “What can I do to help?”

The Doctor looked at the doors in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

“That’s what good people do, isn’t it? Offer to help. So, what can I do?”

“Nothing. I’m not even sure there’s something _I _can do this time.”

“Doesn’t stop you from trying, though. So, what do you plan to do?”

“Keep Jack far away from you for a start.”

“Doctor, I’m hurt. I told you I wanted to learn to be good.”

“I didn’t say keep you away from Jack. I said, keep Jack away from you. Who knows what he might do to you if he learned you were here, especially after what he just went through.”

Missy chuckled softly. “So, you’re not going to throw me to the wolves first chance you get?”

The Doctor chuckled darkly in return. “This isn’t the first chance I’ve had. And no. You keep saying you want to be good. And you’re still here, so that’s something.”

He wasn’t yet sure if it was good or bad, but he would hold to his part of the promise. He paused. “I do need to help Jack, though. Last time… I wasn’t on Earth when it happened. I didn’t even know it _had_ happened until a long time later. I’m here this time, so I need to help him, if I can.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you have the voice and face of someone he probably hates right now. Maybe you’re not the best person to help him.”

“He and I have more in common than differences these days. I may be the only one who can, if he’ll let me.”

“And you think he will?”

“We all have to face our demons at some point. This may be a chance for both of us to face the ones we have about each other.”

“Is that what it takes to be good?”

“No. But it doesn’t hurt when making the effort.”

“I see.”

“Do you?”

“You and I have always made each other face our demons.”

The Doctor nearly scoffed. But he realised, to an extent, she was right. They were both foils and mirrors to each other. It had been that way even in their academy days. Back then it had been helpful, but then the Master had gotten busy trying to dominate the universe rather than just seeing it…. “I suppose, sometimes, that’s what friends do for each other.”

“Does that mean we’re friends again?”

“No.”

His answer was immediate, but not harsh. It was simply a statement of fact. “But someday, I hope we can be.”

“Are you and Jack friends?”

The Doctor sighed at that. “I don’t know. He and I have both been through a lot since the last time we saw each other. I never even spoke to him after these events the first time I lived through them.”

“Maybe a part of you knew you were here.”

“Maybe. Fate and me have a thing.”

“A fling, you mean.” 

The Doctor could hear the smile in Missy’s flirty tone. “I suppose you could say that too.”

“You forget how well I know you, Doctor.”

“You keep reminding me with every chance you get, so I really don’t.” Again, the tone was less harsh and more bantering.

“Sometimes I think that because I’ve rebranded myself that you forget who I am.”

The Doctor frowned at that. “What makes you say that?”

“You’ve spent too much time around humans, Doctor. They have their petty obsessions with gender.”

The Doctor smirked. “I never for a second thought this wouldn’t happen to you eventually. All the things you did to eke out one more set of regenerations. Your self-destructive nature was eventually going to lead to this. I just never thought you’d go so far as to rename yourself.”

She sighed dramatically. “What can I say? You’ve always been a bad influence on me. Making me spend all that time on Earth, chasing you for just a bit of attention.”

The Doctor barked out a laugh. “I suppose I deserve that. Sometimes I wonder if you set up everything with the Keepers of the Fatality Index just to get my attention for a thousand years.”

“And you still find a way to avoid and ignore me. How long will you be gone?”

“I’m not planning to leave you. I still have classes to teach, but Jack will need some breathing space. The TARDIS can provide that to him.”

There was a pause. Then Missy spoke softly. “I once attacked you for picking the name ‘Doctor’. But you really do try to make everyone better.”

The Doctor wasn’t sure what to do with Missy’s compliment so he just nodded his head, even though she couldn’t see it. She continued. “Just one thing: don’t forget to take care of yourself. I need you to keep me entertained. You know what I’m like when I get bored.”

The Doctor smiled at that. Missy really was trying to change. It was good to know that. “Nearly as bad as me.” He hummed in thought. “I promise I won’t leave the planet. The TARDIS is big enough for Jack if he needs some space.” He slowly got to his feet. “I should go.”

It was the best compromise he could make at this point. But he did need to get ready for his Monday lecture and more importantly, prepare the TARDIS.


	9. Monday Evening

The Doctor parked the TARDIS on the edge of the wooded area outside the military base known as Ashton Down. Jack would probably sense the TARDIS and come running. All the Doctor had to do was wait. Though, he was concerned about how Jack would react to him after all this time, so he was on the side of the TARDIS out of sight from the approach of anyone who would come from the base in this direction.

Suddenly, the whole complex went up in flame through a series of explosions. The Doctor actually smiled. It seemed a fitting end for all the horrors that Jack had experienced there. Oh, he would never actually tell Jack he approved, but he didn’t disapprove either.

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of feet running against the ground. He heard an out-of-breath American accent exclaim. “Oh, thank the Maker!”

Then he heard the jingle of keys. 

Jack inserted his TARDIS key into the lock. He tried to turn it, but it wouldn’t go. He hummed and tried again. It still wouldn’t turn. He rested his head against the door. “Come on, Old Girl, you know it’s me.”

The Doctor decided it was time to reveal his presence. “She does. But I went through a phase. Changed the locks.”

River’s key was the only ‘old one’ that still worked after the Ponds had been taken by the Angels. Clara’s key had been the first of the new ones.

Jack looked around at the sound of the voice. It sounded familiar but in a bad way. Bile rose to his throat and he had to swallow it down before he could talk. He didn’t understand it. It was obviously the Doctor, why would that voice upset him so much, when he wanted nothing more than to hear from the alien for the past two weeks? Finally, he could speak. “Doctor?”

The Doctor slowly came around the corner. “Yes, Jack.”

Jack took in the Doctor’s appearance. He was wearing a holey black sweater and a blue Crombie coat with red lining. Then Jack looked at the face. The hair was greyer and the lines deeper, but Jack knew that face. And he hated it. Before either he or the Doctor knew what happened, Jack had punched him twice. Once in the nose and once in the head when the Doctor doubled over in pain.

Jack was panting heavily. That felt good. He had wanted to do that for so long and Frobisher had taken the privilege away from him when he had killed himself. “You were meant to be dead! How did you do it, eh? They said they had the four bodies. Gunshot wounds to all the heads. Brains blown out. So how did you survive?”

“Jack! It’s me. The Doctor, I swear it is." 

“Can’t be. The Doctor would never take someone else’s face. And if he ever did, it would never be someone as vile as Frobisher!”

The Doctor reached into a pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He was trying to stop the bloody nose. It wasn’t doing much though. He used his free hand to reach into his pocket for his key. “I can prove it to you.”

Having found the key, he slipped it into the lock and opened the TARDIS door. He was actually surprised that Jack had stopped after two punches. And that the man had given him time to open the door. But he was going to take the chance to prevent any more violence, if he possibly could.

Jack stared through the open door into the TARDIS. It was a moment before he stepped inside. “You’ve redecorated.”

“Yeah. Several times over since the last time I saw you.” It was all he could reply; he was still trying to work on his injuries.

“She’s gorgeous. I mean, I enjoyed the coral look, but this?”

The Doctor followed him inside and closed the door behind them. “It took me awhile to find the round things, she was a bit stark to me before I put them up.”

He approached the handbrake and sent the TARDIS into the vortex. He and Jack needed to talk. But first, he had to address his injuries. “I need the medbay. You can stay here, if you want. Get reacquainted.”

Jack really didn’t need more time. The comforting psychic connection of the TARDIS was enough to convince him. He turned and looked slightly apologetic at the Doctor. “I’ll come and help, if you’ll let me.”

The Doctor nodded and went in the direction of the medbay. Jack followed, albeit a bit slower than usual. He just didn’t understand why the Doctor would have that face. “Keep it together, Jack, there’s gotta be a reason.”

He had mumbled that under his breath. The Doctor didn’t seem to reply, so he hoped the alien hadn’t heard. So instead, he changed the topic. “How did you know where to find me?”

The Doctor hummed. “Forty-four years ago, we talked. I told you I couldn’t help then. I had to stay out of it. It was a Fixed Point.”

Jack almost growled. “Because me. Because I’m a Fixed Point.”

The Doctor shook his head. Which hurt, he needed to not do that again. “No. It would have been a Fixed Point anyway. But I couldn’t get involved, more because when I was sandshoes and hair, I wasn’t involved. Things had to remain as they were.”

Jack looked over at him and then quickly looked away. “Sorry, I can’t look at you right now, without seeing _Frobisher_."

“I understand. Took me a bit to adjust to it too, when I first saw his profile.”

“So, do you do that often? Take the faces of other people?”

“No, but there’s a first time for everything. And this face came from Pompeii on Volcano Day.”

“Really? Why?”

“Because Donna Noble convinced me that while I couldn’t always save everyone, I could at least save someone.”

“Except this time.”

“This time, it was _your_ duty to save people. I couldn’t get involved.”

Jack was torn with grief and a lust for revenge. Blowing up Ashton Down hadn’t assailed the feelings. He watched the Doctor, without looking at the alien’s face. He was afraid if he did, he’d want to punch it again. It had felt good, until he realised, he was punching the Doctor. But then, even that felt good, since the Doctor had abandoned him to deal with all of this alone. Again.


	10. Chapter 10

The Doctor rummaged his way through the medbay to find the equipment he wanted. For now, he just wanted to stop the bleeding. He might leave the bruises for Jack’s sake. The man seemed to like hurting him. He wasn’t sure he could disagree entirely. After all, he had refused to help when he really probably could have.

Jack finally huffed. “I still don’t understand. You took this face from a man in Pompeii and it just happened to also be the face of the man who tried to kill my team and succeeded in killing Ianto along with all those other…”

The Doctor held up his hand. “I watched everything, Jack. I know what John Frobisher did.” He hung his head, debating how far to push. “In the end, it was really the Prime Minister who is at fault. Frobisher was caught. Literally a middleman.”

Jack stared at the Doctor. “You sound like you have pity for him. Maybe even compassion.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “We cannot live in peace if we don’t learn to forgive.”

Jack lost it at that. “_You_ don’t get to lecture me about forgiveness while wearing _that_ face!”

The Doctor finally turned to face Jack and simply raised an eyebrow. “You sure you want to go down that road? With me?”

“WHY. NOT? You are never there when we really need you!”

“_I_.”

“What?” Jack didn’t know what to make of the Doctor’s one-word reply.

“You mean ‘I’. I’m never there when you really want me. You want me to swoop in and take all the burdens and responsibilities off of you. You think that just because I regenerate and let you travel with me, that I should be at your beckon call.” The Doctor was angry now. He had allowed himself to suffer along with Jack as he had watched the monitors and Jack, all these years later, still didn’t get it. “Well, what about all the times I needed _you_, Jack? Hmmm? You think you’re the only one to ever feel alone and abandoned?”

Jack’s rage filled his features. “Yeah? Tell me this, _Doctor_. If you had never come to Earth back in your early days. If you had never taken a fascination with continuing to come back here time and again. If you had never drawn the attention of the rest of the Universe to this back-water planet, would all the other alien attacks against it have happened?”

It was so similar to the question that Joan Redfern had asked him all those years ago. And it stung like hell. On the one hand, they were right. He drew unwanted attention without intending to. On the other, he usually simply found himself present when that unwanted attention was already in the process of happening. He had no good answer to offer Jack. “There are plenty of times I’ve been here when if I hadn’t, the world would have been destroyed. I don’t have the luxury to debate that sort of thing, Jack. It’s not all or none. I’m one man doing the best I can. That’s why I need people like you.”

Jack pumped his fingers into a fist and opened them several times. Damn he wanted to punch the alien again. “So that’s it? You don’t care what I’ve had to go through? What I’ve suffered?”

The Doctor, seeing Jack’s hand, actually took a step back. “I care, Jack. I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t care.”

“Did you know how to stop them?”

“Which time?”

“Don’t play with me! Did. You. Know?”

The Doctor pulled a hand down his face. “When I was sandshoes and hair, I had no idea it was even happening. I did research after the fact….”

He tapered off and before he could continue, Jack interrupted. “So, you knew _this_ time and did nothing!”

“I couldn’t! I wanted to. But time lines, Jack. Stephen and Ianto would have always died.”

Jack couldn’t stop himself this time. He pulled his fist back and punched the Doctor again. This time across his jaw. It was so shocking and powerful, that the Doctor was caught off balance and he ended up on the floor.

He shook his head to clear it from the daze of the impact. Then he moved his jaw around until it clicked back into place. He slowly turned to face jack, sat up, and then carefully brought himself to a standing position. “Jack, if you want to remain here, you’re going to have to stop doing that!”

“It’s no less than you deserve.”

“You’re not really angry with me.”

“Oh, yes I am. You could have done something. _Anything_. And you didn’t.”

“You travelled with me long enough to know that’s not how it works.” The Doctor was starting to regret this decision. The TARDIS had told him to help, that Jack would need him. Maybe he was wrong. Or his timing was off. Either way, he was tempted to kick Jack out.

“You’re right. You abandoned me time and time again. All this time you’ve been _here_. Tosh, Owen, and now Ianto. All dead, and you could have saved them!”

The Doctor sighed heavily. He stood up and gestured to himself. “Fine. Out with it, then. You’re angry with me. Do what you have to do.”

There was a heavy pause. The two men stared at each other. The Doctor’s calm was that of the Oncoming Storm and it made Jack pause. Then he took in the Doctor’s face. No. Not the Doctor’s. _Frobisher’s_ face. And Jack completely lost it. He pulled out his gun, cocked it, and levelled it at the Doctor’s chest. Well, just to the left of centre. He’d take out one of the hearts. He squinted his eyes as the Doctor calmly stood there.

The Doctor, as he had done back on Gallifrey, closed his eyes, but stood perfectly still. He heard the clatter of the gun being tossed away. Jack spoke softly. “Too fast. You deserve to suffer.”

And before he had time to protect himself, Jack attacked him, sending both men to the floor, but Jack landed on top of him. The Doctor sighed and resigned himself to the inevitable. Jack was going to beat him just to the verge of regeneration. Jack, after going through so many deaths, probably knew precisely where that tipping point was.


	11. Chapter 11

For a Time Lord, the Doctor could be dreadful at tracking time. He didn’t know how long Jack had beat him. He didn’t really protect himself from the onslaught. A part of him thought Jack was right, he did deserve this. All his deaths in the Confession Dial meant nothing. There was no one there to witness them. The punishment was his alone to know. But this? There would be no doubting it. No one could say it didn’t happen, since there were witnesses. 

Jack punched him everywhere from the hips to the top of his head, over his chest, and all along his sides. When he was done with that, he flipped the Doctor over and continued the beating all long his back. All the while, Jack made comments about doing this for Stephen, Ianto, and all the other people he had lost during his time with Torchwood. Jack continued with the beating and mutterings until he was nearly out of breath. Then finally, he screamed at the Doctor, “Fight me back! Fight me back!”

The Doctor lay there, too tired, and in too much pain to move. When he spoke, his voice was soft from the pain and agony he was in. They were clearly stifling his words. “No, Jack.”

Jack hit him a couple more times in the head. “Fight me!”

“No…”

Finally, Jack stood and lifted his leg, preparing to crush the Doctor’s head with a stomp of his foot. The Doctor was there on the ground, his eyes closed, and a bloody mess. In fact, there was quite a bit of blood all over the floor. Jack looked down at himself and saw that blood was splattered all over his clothes. The Doctor’s blood. He slowly lowered his foot back to the ground. Then he turned and headed in the direction of his bedroom, leaving the Doctor where he lay.

The Doctor didn’t move even when he heard Jack leave. A part of him wondered if Jack was really done with his rage. He wouldn’t move until he was sure. It could have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes, but he finally decided to pull himself back to the med bay. His eyes were so swollen, he could hardly see. He heard a familiar and comforting voice. “Oh, Sweetheart, what have you done to yourself?”

The image before him was blurry, but the voice was clearly Donna’s. The Doctor sobbed partly with the guilt of what he had done to her and partly with relief. Some part of his brain told him it was just a hologram of Donna that the TARDIS was creating, but he didn’t care. She spoke again. “Come this way, let me help you.”

He lifted his head, just enough to see the direction she indicated. The TARDIS had moved the medbay to be right next to the part of the hall he was in. He knew the image of Donna couldn’t help him. He would have to move into the room under his own power. He groaned softly, which only increased the pain everywhere. Then he remembered the Confession Dial, how he had made it all the way to the teleport chamber. This was a much shorter distance; he could do it.

It took him hours – or maybe it just seemed like hours to him, but finally he made it into the room. “Keep me safe… please.”

The TARDIS knew what he was asking. She moved the room to a location that Jack would not be able to find until the Doctor was ready. Using Donna’s image, she spoke to him. “I cannot help you the way you want me to. But I promise to keep you safe as long as you’ll let me.”

The Doctor didn’t move further. He couldn’t have, even if he wanted to. He closed his eyes and submitted to the healing coma that his body was forcing upon him.

He slowly returned to awareness. He tried to move, but his face was stuck to the ground. Sticky with blood. Both from his face and from what had pooled to the floor as he had lain there. The sticky mess pulled on his skin, hair, and clothes as he tried to sit up. He still hurt everywhere, but he didn’t think he was bleeding any longer. Though that was of little comfort.

He took his time, blinking his eyes open and shut, moving each finger and toe individually, and then each larger limb. Not too much, just enough to know if he could move them. When he felt ready, he ever so slowly began the process of shifting his body into a sitting position. His eyes were still swollen mostly shut, but he didn’t need to see much just yet. He just needed to know where the larger furniture pieces were.

“You didn’t have to let him do that, you know.”

He tried to smirk at Donna’s voice, but it was too painful. “Yes, I did.” His voice was gravelly whether from pain or disuse, he wasn’t sure. Probably both. “We both know that.”

“All right. You didn’t have to let him carry on the way he did. You punish yourself enough.”

He realised he was near a wall. He leant back against it and closed his eyes. “It feels different when someone else does it.”

“More real.”

“You know me too well.”

“I should, after so many years.”

“Since the Dial, it’s been more years apart than together.”

“You think so? You said I was never far from your thoughts and you were never far from mine. Isn’t that all that matters in the end?”

“I say things like that out of hope, not because I actually believe them.”

“You can lie to your companions, Doctor. You can even lie to yourself. You will never be able to lie to me.”

His eyes were still closed, but it didn’t stop him from trying to glare at her. He didn’t care that she was right. And the fact that she was right made him want to glare all the more. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. This was supposed to be about Jack, not him. “Look, unless you’re going to be helpful, I’d rather have silence right now.”

He felt a gentle touch upon his cheek.


	12. Jack Meanwhile...

Jack was in a daze after he left the Doctor. He kept staring at the smattering of blood all over himself and even smeared the patterns he saw on his fingers. It was the only way it felt real to him. It was like he had an out-of-body experience. He knew what he was doing – who he was doing it to – and yet, he couldn’t stop himself. It felt too good. So many hellish things in his life had been because of the Doctor. Even the year of hell he suffered under the Master; he considered the Doctor’s fault. 

Ultimately, he stopped himself when he realised, he was blaming the Doctor for everything between him turning down the Doctor’s offer to travel again and this moment in time. Things the Doctor couldn’t have controlled, had he wanted to. Everything with Grey and being buried for two thousand years, the death of Tosh…. None of that had been the Doctor’s fault. And they had all saved the Universe from the Reality Bomb, though the Doctor had a bigger part of that than anyone else…. He had to stop beating the alien up at that point. 

Besides, he had stopped seeing Frobisher’s face. All he saw were all the different regenerations of the Doctor. He had seen all the ones that Torchwood and UNIT had on file. He had brushed paths with them – carefully – throughout the years, when he knew various versions of the Doctor would be around. Though, back in those days, he was looking for the one who’s hand he had found. When he started to see all the different faces of the Doctor, he couldn’t go on beating the alien.

Now, though, as he walked the halls of the TARDIS – the only place in the entire universe he had ever felt completely safe, he started to feel regret for what he had done. He ran down the hall, trying to find his bedroom, pleading with the Old Girl to let him find it. Once he got there, he went straight to the loo. He made it just in time to vomit into the toilet.

Once he started retching, he couldn’t stop. He carried on with dry heaves, long after he had emptied his stomach of even bile. It lasted for probably an hour before he flushed the toilet and slumped against the sink cupboard. He was too tired to move. 

He might have fallen asleep, he couldn’t remember. But he was brought to an awareness of the grotesque smell of the combination of blood and vomit. He looked down at himself. He needed a shower. He slowly stood. He had trouble moving, he had clearly exerted more force than he thought when he had his tirade. He noticed his knuckles had quite a few scratches and were marred by what he had done. He hoped it was from the Doctor’s clothing – hitting buttons and zips – but he couldn’t be sure. He stretched for a moment and the smell got worse, so he stripped, put everything in the hamper for the TARDIS to clean, and stepped into the shower cube.

He turned the hot taps on. It was just shy of scalding his skin, but he didn’t care. He needed it. Then, he used soap and a brush and scrubbed himself so hard, he nearly bled. He didn’t care. He needed to get the revulsion of everything he had done to the Doctor off of him. He finally finished by washing his hair. When done, he stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel, dried off, and went to his bedroom for something to wear.

On the bed was a set of pyjamas. And he smirked. “Okay. I know how to take a hint.”

He figured the Doctor must be okay if the TARDIS was encouraging him to sleep. Once he was dressed, he returned to the bathroom to care for his knuckles. He had to block the thoughts that if he was in this bad of shape, how the Doctor must look. Then he returned to his bed and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He wasn’t sure how long he slept. But when he woke, he felt, well ‘better’ is the wrong word, but ‘rested’. He had slept without dreams or nightmares. Once he was dressed and ready to face the Doctor, he made for his door, only to find it locked. 

He tried to get out for a good thirty minutes before succumbing to the will of the TARDIS. “Okay, he’s not ready to see me yet. Can’t say I blame him.”

He wasn’t sure what to do. While this would always be his room, it really wasn’t his room any longer. It felt foreign to him, like it belonged to another man. “I wonder if this is what the Doctor feels when he regenerates.”

He felt a nudge in his mind that felt something like the word ‘_worse’_. 

He nodded. “I suppose. And I suppose there’s no getting used to it.”

‘_Not really._’

He nodded again. Deciding there was nothing else to do, he got back into bed to sleep some more. It’s probably what he really needed anyway.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, he could never tell time on the TARDIS anyway, but he heard a click at the door. He went to test it. It was still locked. He frowned. He was certain he heard something that woke him. He looked down at himself. He decided first to check the wounds on his knuckles. The bandage he used, worked as it always had: the colour was gone, which meant the ointment had gone into the wound and healed it. He discarded the bandages and got dressed.

Once ready, he went to look for the Doctor. He checked all the usual places first: the console room, the kitchen, the library, but didn’t find him anywhere. Then he sighed. There was only one place left. The place he was avoiding, because now he was afraid of what he’d find there. The medbay.

He approached the door, but before he could knock, let alone enter, he heard the Doctor talking to someone. He could only hear the Doctor’s side of the conversation, but it was obvious the Doctor was still in pain. He swallowed thickly to prepare himself for what he might find and entered the room.

It was so much worse than he expected. There was a sticky puddle of mostly-dried blood where the Doctor had clearly rested most of the night. Jack looked around until his eye landed in a space near the door. He was surprised that the Doctor hadn’t heard him come in, but then, he took in how the Doctor looked. The alien hadn’t healed at all. Bruises and dried blood seemed to cover every centimetre of his body.

And suddenly, the man before him couldn’t have possibly ever been John Frobisher. He wouldn’t have abandoned him like he had accused him. And he, Jack, had done this to him. Made this mess of him. Either he beat the Doctor worse than he thought, or the Doctor was frailer in this incarnation than Jack could imagine. Why wouldn’t he have at least started to heal?

The Doctor’s eyes were closed, but he was speaking. Jack just realised the TARDIS must have been projecting the Doctor’s voice for him to hear, because being even this close to him, he could hardly hear the words. “Look, unless you’re going to be helpful, I’d rather have silence right now.”

Jack bent down to the Doctor’s level and as gently as he could, reached out and cupped the Doctor’s cheek.


	13. Healing on the Slow Path

The touch startled the Doctor, just a bit. He hadn’t expected it. A part of him imagined for a brief moment it was Clara, but the hand was too big. He always imagined Clara having small hands. He didn’t know if he _knew_ she had small hands, only that he imagined it so.

The touch didn’t feel like Donna’s either. He slowly opened his eyes as best he could. The image before him was blurry, but was definitely a man. It took another moment before the image cleared slightly and he could tell it was Jack. 

He tensed immediately. He hadn’t meant to. Given how Jack was touching him, he didn’t think Jack was here for another round, but it was an instinctual reaction to the threat Jack currently poised. Just like every time he had faced the creature the last time in the Confession Dial. He knew great pain and death was coming and he still tensed every time.

Jack tilted his head as he considered the Doctor for a moment. Finally, he cleared his throat. “D-do you need help? Cleaning up?”

He wasn’t sure if he wanted the Doctor to accept his help or reject it. 

For his part, the Doctor just sat there, as if waiting for the inevitable. After nearly a minute, the Doctor gave a slight nod of his head, accepting the offer.

Jack nodded in reply. “Okay, I don’t know how best to help without hurting you more, but I think we should start with a shower and a change of clothes.”

Again, the Doctor gave a faint nod. He lifted his hand to gesture to a corner of the medbay. “There.”

Jack looked in the direction and realised there was a bathroom and knowing the TARDIS, would have everything the Time Lord needed. “Okay. Bath or shower?”

Even the simple question was too difficult for the Doctor to answer. He had to consider all the ramifications. He didn’t think he had the strength to remain standing for a shower, but he was equally unsure if he could get into and out of the tub. The tub would make it easy for Jack to try to drown him. But the shower left the possibility for him to become more injured just because of how weak he was. “Bath.”

“Okay. I’ll go get it started.”

Jack left the Doctor and went to run the taps. He knew the TARDIS would control the temperature, but sitting near the tub, he saw the healing salts. She wasn’t going to make this easy for him. He would have to help the Doctor heal. It was only right. The Doctor was only in this condition because he had put him into it.

He returned to the Doctor and stood in front of the alien. Finally, he rolled up his sleeves and knelt before him. “Do you want me to help you walk, or carry you?”

Again, the Doctor had to think about his answer. He held out his hands. His arms were shaking with the effort. “Hel-lp.”

Jack nodded. “All right.” He tried to remember from when he was beating the Doctor, where he hadn’t reached. And he figured under the Doctor’s arms would be the safest for him to touch. He got himself into position. “I think if I lift you from under your arms, it won’t hurt as much.”

The Doctor nodded once. His legs were mostly unbeaten, so he knew he could help more than Jack probably realised.

Jack moved to get behind the Doctor and slid his hands under the Doctor’s arms. “Okay, ready?”

“No. But,” he took a deep breath, “few options.”

“Right. Upsie-daisy.”

With that, Jack lifted and the Doctor aided as much as he could by pushing up with his legs. Jack was able to get the Doctor up without brushing against the Doctor’s back. He sighed with relief; he didn’t want to hurt the Doctor more. He had done enough. He gave the Doctor a few moments to get used to being on his feet, only providing a sense of balance rather than actually supporting him.

When the Doctor started to move, Jack moved with him, providing the needed support for balance. It took several minutes, but they finally made it to the bathroom. Jack got the Doctor to stand near one of the cabinets. “Here, you can use this for balance while we undress you.”

The Doctor nodded again, but said nothing.

Everything seemed to be blood-soaked, but Jack started with the Doctor’s coat and hoody, going as gently as he could, then he looked at the sweater. He shook his head. “Sorry, I think this one is going to have to go.”

The Doctor pouted slightly, after all of his adventures, he only had one other version of this sweater left and he really liked these. But Jack was right, it would be easier to cut it through rather than to try to take it off. He nodded to a drawer. “Scissors.”

Jack nodded and found the utensil. “I think it’s going to be easier if I cut everything from the back.” He said that more as warning and less asking permission.

The shears were sharp and easily cut the sweater, then he cut through the pullover. He joked lightly, “So many layers. What are you trying to protect yourself from?”

The Doctor just lowered his head a bit. He knew Jack was trying to be light-hearted, but he wasn’t ready for that yet. 

Once Jack was done cutting, he lowered the sweater and pullover forward and off of the Doctor’s arms. The Doctor breathed. Jack had been right it was easier to do it that way.

Jack gasped slightly as he saw the wounds. He took a breath. “Right, I think that’s the hard part. Now, just the lower half.”

Jack positioned himself so he could cut through the belt and the back side of the Doctor’s trousers and pants. He was still careful, but the material was thinner, so it was easier to cut.

Once the Doctor was free from his clothing, Jack set the scissors down and looked over the Doctor’s body. He looked over all he had done to it. Then he wondered if the Doctor had looked at him like this when they had been on _The Valiant_. He shook his head to clear it, that was the last thing he needed to think about. That hadn’t been the Doctor’s fault and, in the end, the Doctor had done everything he could to set everything right.

The sound of water dragged Jack from his thoughts. He looked over at the tub and saw that it was full enough. He turned off the taps and took a moment before coming back to the Doctor. The Doctor spoke before Jack got a chance. “You have finally gotten what you’ve always wanted.”

Jack had no idea what to say to that. “Oh?”

The Doctor nodded once, slowly. “Me. Naked in front of you.”

Jack couldn’t stop the half-gasp, half-chuckle that escaped him. But the Doctor continued. “Sorry to say, it’s not with the physique of the other bodies you’ve seen.”

Was the Doctor joking with him right now? And like this? Jack was feeling off-footed. He didn’t know how to react to that. He shook his head as he walked closer to position himself to help the Doctor. “It was never just about your body, you know.” He took a breath, he needed to fix what he had done before he could properly talk about… Everything. “How do you want to do this?”

The Doctor was quiet for a time. “Like before. Only set me on the edge and I’ll lift one leg in at a time.”

Jack helped the Doctor to the tub and then to sit down on its edge. The Doctor looked at the water, then at his feet, and back at the water again. He slowly tried to lift a leg, but it pulled on the bruised and battered muscles on his back. His legs felt okay. It was everything from his hips up that was the problem.

Jack realised what the problem was. “Let me help. Please.”

The Doctor nodded. Jack took a breath. “Okay. I’m… I’m sorry if this hurts too much, but it’s probably easier.”

Jack wrapped one arm around the Doctor’s back and the other under his knees. Then Jack slowly lifted, shifted, and finally lowered him into the water. The Doctor muffled any sounds of pain and groaned with relief when he was settled in the water. He leant his head back against the edge of the tub. 

Jack noticed the water was already turning pink with blood. It would probably take a couple fills of water to get the Doctor completely clean, but for now, he would just let the alien soak. 

Once he was settled in the water, the Doctor sighed. It felt good. He knew that Jack or the TARDIS – or maybe both – had added healing salts. That was good. He didn’t know if it was an act of will or if he was simply wounded that badly, but healing was slow to come by. After about ten minutes of silence, the Doctor looked down and saw how red the water had become. He looked around and saw Jack sitting several feet away. “This is going to take longer than I thought.”

Jack nodded, but didn’t move. “I was thinking at least two more times.”

The Doctor gestured to the other end of the tub. “Can you use the nozzle and slowly run water over me while we drain this round?”

Jack nodded. It was a good idea. “Yeah. Should keep you from shivering too much while it refills.”

The Doctor nodded once. “More importantly, it will wash some of the blood out of my hair.”

Jack was doing everything he could to not think about that. Or rather to not think that he had done this to the Doctor.

It took several minutes longer for the tub to drain, since they were adding more water to it as Jack rinsed as much of the blood away as possible. Then the Doctor put the plug back in and let the water fill again. He pointed to the salts. “Hand me that, please. And then see if you can find some soap and shampoo.”

The Doctor was now feeling well enough to feel self-conscious being naked in front of Jack, so he wanted to give the man something to do. He added the proper amount of salts himself, then closed his eyes and leant against the tub again, trying to rest as much as he could.

Jack returned with shampoo, soap, and a washcloth. “Erm, here you go.”

The Doctor cracked an eye open and saw what Jack had presented. He nodded to a little table next to the tub. “You can set them there.”

He was going to need help washing his hair. He wasn’t sure he could move his arms all the way up to his head yet. For now, though, he just wanted to soak and think. He needed to think. Which was hard given how much pain he was in.

Jack stepped back again and sat away from the Doctor, he figured the alien needed some space. But he was hating himself. All of this was his fault. All of it, even everything with the 4-5-6 wasn’t the Doctor’s fault, but his. Had he intervened sooner, had he refused in 1965… all those ‘what ifs’ and more went through is mind.

The Doctor groaned softly. “Jack, stop. No matter how much it feels like it, the fate of this planet does not rest upon your shoulders.”

Jack frowned. “H-how did you know? I thought you were a touch-telepath.”

“Because.” He sighed heavily. “I’ve been thinking the same about myself.”

“That’s why you didn’t fight me back.”

“Yes.”

The word was more of a breath than even a whisper. Jack pulled a hand down his face. “Are you refusing to regenerate? Is that why your wounds aren’t healing?”

“They are. Just much more slowly than usual. The bath and getting clean is helping.”

“Do you need more help? I could wash your hair.”

The Doctor was quiet for some moments. Finally, he gave one slow nod in reply.

Jack approached the tub, picked up the soap and washcloth and handed them to the Doctor. “Here, I’ll wash your hair while you do everything else.”

The water was pink, but not red like it had been last time. When they pulled the plug, they could rinse the Doctor off properly with fresh water and that should be the end of this part. The Doctor accepted the soap and cloth and slowly began cleaning what he could reach. Jack gently massaged the shampoo into the Doctor’s hair and along his scalp. 

It felt so good that the Doctor actually stopped cleaning himself and instead relaxed into the treatment his head was getting. He did what he could to block Jack from sensing any of his emotions. When both men were ready, the Doctor pulled the plug and Jack took the nozzle to rinse the soap off. The Doctor felt nearly normal again. Aside from being tired and some dull aches and pains. He finished washing himself under the clean water that the nozzle provided.

All of that done, Jack turned the taps off and got a big towel for the Doctor. The Doctor had managed to get into a standing position in the tub. His lips twisted and Jack could tell he was debating how to get out of the tub. “Do it how you got in. I can give you something to balance on.”

The Doctor nodded and sat on the edge of the tub. He used Jack’s shoulder for balance as he swung his legs back to the outside of the tub. Then he stood up like normal. “I’m going to need a nap. I think I can get the healing rest that I need now.”

Jack grimaced at the thought. “Let me check the wounds. If there are any deep ones, they should be bandaged.”

The Doctor nodded. He lowered the towel to wrap it around the lower part of his hips so that Jack would have access to check over his body. There were a few deeper cuts on the Doctor’s back and head, so he bandaged those and then helped the Doctor get to his room. 

They stopped outside the Doctor’s bedroom. There was always something forbidden to Jack about that space. The Doctor allowed people to travel with him, but this was like the Doctor’s own inner sanctuary. He wasn’t sure that anyone had ever seen it. He wondered, if like the rest of the TARDIS, the room changed to fit each incarnation of the Doctor, or if It was a constant, something to ground him as he went through regenerations. It didn’t matter, Jack felt like this is where he should leave the Doctor. “Will you be okay on your own?”

The Doctor nodded. “I think so. The TARDIS will help with anything for now.”

Jack nodded. “I think I need more rest too, so I’ll… see you later.”

The men parted. The Doctor was too tired to really do anything but put on some pyjamas and get into bed. Jack wandered the TARDIS for a little while to see what had changed and what had remained the same. Then he returned to his bedroom for some sleep as well.


	14. Things are clearer in the daylight

The Doctor awoke sometime later. He looked around and realised he felt much better than he had earlier. He still had trouble seeing, but he could see a little. He slowly got up and made his way to the bathroom. He briefly looked at himself in the mirror before taking care of his bodily functions. 

As he was washing his hands, he looked in the mirror again. He was still black and blue all over his face and his eyes were still very swollen, but not to the point of being closed. Well, that explained why he could see. He tried to stretch and found that if he went slow enough, he could manage getting his arms above his head. He looked at his belly where the shirt had lifted and sighed. He slowly lowered his arms again and tucked his fingers under the hem of the shirt to slowly raise it so he could see the damage. The bleeding had stopped, but he was still black and blue. He leant in to get a better view of his head in the mirror. The bleeding had stopped there too. He was relieved.

It would be a slow journey, but he was healing. That was the important part. Regenerating would have been quicker, but the point was to suffer. 

After a few more minutes, he decided to muss his hair about. He hoped if he changed the style, it would help Jack forget he looked like Frobisher. Then he decided to get dressed. He pulled out his polka dot shirt, navy blue trousers, and after a pause decided to forego the blue Crombie jacket. He knew the TARDIS would be slightly below his preference for temperature since Jack was aboard, so he did pull out one of his reddish-brown hoodies. He grimaced. Too casual, but since only Jack would see him, he didn’t mind as much.

Once he was dressed, he looked in the mirror again. He really hoped Nardole wouldn’t see him like this. He would never hear the end of it. Missy would enjoy it too much. He hiccupped a sob. Yesterday he thought he had deserved to be tortured. Now? He wanted to be comforted and there was no one around he felt he could trust enough to allow himself to be that vulnerable. He was being stupid. He had survived four point five billion years on his own. He could get through this. 

He took a moment to pull himself together. He needed food. A large meal, with lots of protein. It took energy to heal this way and he needed to recharge. He slowly made his way to the kitchen. He was fairly steady on his feet, for which he was grateful. As he approached, he could smell something cooking. Breakfast-smelling things. He debated if he preferred it to be Jack or Nardole. Both would fuss. But Jack would be fussing out of guilt and Nardole would use it as a way to mother him. Besides, he wasn’t sure he wanted those two to meet. Ever. He just didn’t think it would go well. He paused at the door before he opened it and entered the kitchen.

“Doctor.” 

Jack’s voice was even, but less measured than he expected to hear after yesterday. He gave a slight nod. “Jack.”

His own voice was hoarse, partly from disuse and partly from exhaustion. He made his way to the table to sit down. While he had been steady on his feet, it still took too much energy to make it this far.

“I’ve got tea brewing and breakfast should be ready soon, if you’re feeling up to it. Probably more American than you’d like, but…”

Jack’s voice trailed off and he shrugged. He couldn’t do coffee or an English breakfast. Not yet. Every time he thought about coffee, bile rose in his throat. 

The Doctor swallowed so he could speak more clearly. “The more protein, the better.”

Jack nodded. “Pancakes, sausages, bacon, eggs…” Again, he tapered off. 

The Doctor hummed. “That should help.”

The Doctor noticed that Jack wasn’t looking at him. Whether it was because he still reminded him of Frobisher or because the man couldn’t look at his injuries, he wasn’t sure. If he was completely honest, he didn’t want to know. Not yet. He wanted to just eat breakfast in quiet and maybe they could find a sitting room and start the conversation off properly.

“Good.” It was really all Jack could reply. He wasn’t sure what else to say. He focused on cooking and plating the food. He started with two of everything. There was enough for them to have four helpings each. But he wasn’t even sure if this version of the Doctor ate much or often.

He brought the tea over first. “I don’t know how you like it this go…”

The Doctor twisted his lips slightly. “With a straw. In fact, maybe the eggs and pancakes only. Not sure I can chew any meat.”

Now it was Jack’s turn to grimace. “How about if I cut it up into tiny sizes so you don’t have to chew as much?”

The Doctor nodded. “For the tea, a little bit of milk and some sugar.”

Jack prepared the tea in a tall mug and found a straw. He provided that to the Doctor first. The Doctor took a sip since Jack stood there waiting approval. He nodded his head. With that, Jack went to cut everything on the Doctor’s plate into very small pieces. He figured if a fork was too big, maybe a small spoon would work for the alien. Once the two plates were ready, he brought them both over to the table. He placed the Doctor’s in front of him and his across from the other.

The men ate in silence for a few minutes. The Doctor was surprised at how well he could eat, though given how small Jack had made everything, he didn’t have to chew much. That was a good thing. It wasn’t the pain so much as the swelling. Pain he could deal with. The swelling? Well, not much he could do about that until it went down.

Jack was doing less eating and more pushing his food around. Now that he was confronted with the Doctor’s silence and nothing much to do to fill it, he was at a loss. “Doctor, I…”

The Doctor held up his hand. “Jack, not right now. There will be time enough. We’re on the TARDIS, we have all the time we want.”

Jack nodded and continued to minimally eat. The Doctor actually cleared his plate and sipped on his tea while he waited until Jack was at a stopping point. “It was good. Feels like what I needed. But, when you’re ready, I think I could go for a second round.”

For the first time this morning, Jack looked up at the Doctor. The Doctor noticed the look of surprise on the other man’s face. “What? I’ve been spending too much time in one place recently. I’ve learned to eat regularly.”

Jack managed a small snort of amusement. “Well, I won’t be one to discourage you. All of the bodies I’ve seen of yours, you’ve always been somewhat skinny.” He paused as he took up the Doctor’s plate to put more food on it and he started speaking again when he was cutting up the food. “Except that one with the clown coat. He was built.”

Now it was the Doctor’s turn to snort. And he found it hurt. It’d be awhile before he tried that again. “Pictures never do me justice.”

“Who said anything about pictures?”

Now the Doctor really was surprised. “So, you’ve seen other mes?”

Jack nodded. “Like I told you when you were with Martha: Had to wait for a version of you that coincided with me. And even when you don’t draw attention to yourself, the events you end up in tend to get Torchwood’s attention.”

The Doctor nodded once. “I don’t remember ever seeing or meeting you.”

Jack looked back down at his plate. “I know how to stay hidden when I need to. And I know how not to get involved and screw up the timelines.”

The Doctor nodded. “Good. I have enough problems just avoiding myself.”

Jack looked up in confusion at that. The Doctor shrugged. “I’ve been on Earth awhile this go. Bristol was the only place that seemed safe enough for me, given all the other places I’ve travelled to or lived.”

“And you couldn’t have contacted me sooner, because I was too closely connected to an earlier version of you.”

The Doctor nodded again. Jack sighed a little. “So, are you the next one along? Is that how you know it’s safe?”

“I can’t tell you that, Jack. But I’ll tell you, you’ll see sandshoes and spikey hair at least one more time.”

Jack frowned slightly at that. “Before he regenerates, because he’s rubbish with good-byes.”

“I’ve never liked good-byes. Probably never will.”

Jack nodded. “How long have you been on Earth this time?”

The Doctor paused in thought. “Oh, about 700 years.”

Jack dropped his fork in surprise and decided now would be a good time to get the Doctor more food. “You could barely last a few years stuck with UNIT. How did you manage that long?”

The Doctor shrugged. “What usually happens to me. A Thing happened.”

“Not a breakfast topic, I take it. Fine.”

Jack finished cutting up the food and presented it to the Doctor, who started to eat as soon as it was in front of him. He was far hungrier than he had earlier thought. Jack watched him. He was actually quite different from Frobisher. Even his voice, while practically identical, had distinct differences, now that he really listened.

Once the Doctor had a few bites in, he shrugged. “You’re right. It’s not a breakfast topic. And I will probably tell you.”

Since, he doesn’t actually talk to Jack ever again, as far as he knows, most things will be safe enough to discuss.

Jack finally set his plate aside and took up his tea. He watched the Doctor for some time. “Was it different? Living through it rather than reading it?”

The Doctor smirked around the bite of food he was currently working on. After he swallowed, he nodded. “Of course. Living it is always different from living through it.”

“What was it like…. A man with a face so similar…?”

“Let me finish eating. Then we can go somewhere we can sit and talk. I’ll answer as many questions as I can.”

Jack nodded. “You’re right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’re looking for a distraction. I understand.”

“Something tells me you don’t. But fine.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes and looked at Jack. “Why do you think I’m always running? Most of it is for distraction.”

Jack couldn’t argue with that, so he nodded his agreement. But he needed a distraction, so he got up and started to clean up the cooking mess he had made. The Doctor was grateful because it gave him time to finish eating. Once he was done, Jack took his plate and washed that too.

The Doctor stood slowly. “I know a good place we can talk. Follow me.”

Jack refilled both mugs and followed on.


	15. Even a step is a start

The Doctor hadn’t used most of these lounging rooms in years. Billions of years in one sense and at least several hundred years in another. Not since Amy and Rory had left, at any rate. This one in particular, he hadn’t used since before the Time War. But it seemed appropriate. He had many conversations with Romana there and she was the companion he considered most equal to himself. Until now. Until Jack. Until the Face of Boe. He slowly opened the door. The light in the room was warm as if it was lit by lanterns rather than lamps. The couches and chairs were plush and extra soft, but made from a foam that also provided appropriate support. There was a small kitchenette in the corner with supplies for more tea and biscuits and other nibbles to snack on if they got hungry later. All the colours were darker hues and made the room feel more womb-like. The lights could be adjusted, so if Jack or the Doctor felt safer talking in a darker room, that could be done.

Jack entered and whistled softly. “I don’t remember ever seeing this one before.”

“That’s because I haven’t been here myself since before… The War.”

He didn’t need to say which one. For him, there really was only one that mattered. He gestured for Jack to sit wherever he wanted. The Doctor took one of the couches and lay down on it. He was more tired than he realised and while he wanted to talk, sitting up was too draining right now.

Jack took one of the chairs. But when he sat in it, he found it to be similar to a bean bag. It moulded around him, making every part of his body feel supported in a way that there was no awkward pressure on any part of him. He groaned softly in pleasure. It was just what he needed.

After a few minutes of silence, the Doctor finally prompted. “When you’re ready, feel free to start asking questions, but with lives as long as ours, it’s probably best to be specific.”

Jack nodded and thought quietly for a long time. “The last time I saw you, was after we brought the Earth home from the Medusa Cascade. What happened after that?”

The Doctor pursed his lips for a moment. “I returned Rose to the Parallel Universe and left the human version of me there with her. She didn’t belong here any more. And that version of me would have been more trouble than good here.” He sighed heavily. “Donna…. Donna had a Time Lord consciousness in her tiny human brain. No matter how brilliant someone is, that is physically too much. It was burning her brain from the inside out.”

Jack furrowed his brows. “I know she’s not dead. But she didn’t seem to know me when I last saw her.”

The Doctor sat up suddenly, worry etched in his entire being. “You didn’t…”.

Jack shook his head. “When she didn’t seem to know me, I just walked away. Told her I thought she was someone else.”

The Doctor relaxed and lay back down again. “Good. She can’t ever know. I couldn’t remove the consciousness. I could only lock it away. If she ever remembers, it will kill her. But it meant removing every memory she had of me and everything we did together.”

Jack frowned. “How did you get her to agree to that?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I… didn’t. She wanted to die instead.” He hung his head, deep with the shame of what he had done. “I couldn’t let her die! So, I… I…."

Jack wasn’t an idiot. He knew what the Doctor wasn’t saying. “I never thought of you as the sort to do that to someone.”

The Doctor offered a sardonic huff. “Then you don’t know me half as well as you think. What wouldn’t I do to save those I care about?”

Jack nodded. “Very little, if in your power.”

The Doctor nodded as well. “I saved her. Returned her to the care of her mum and granddad.”

Jack pulled a hand down his face. He was reminded that the Doctor would have saved Ianto, if it had been possible. So, something made it impossible. “And then?”

The Doctor offered a sad smile. “I continued to travel. But… Well… There are reasons why people say I shouldn’t travel alone.”

Jack narrowed his eyes slightly as he took a sip of his tea. “But you can’t tell me that part.”

The Doctor shrugged. It was more that he didn’t want to, but he hoped this answer was enough. “Eventually, I became this version of me.”

“How many along…”. Jack’s question tapered off. He knew the Doctor wouldn’t answer that. So he asked a different question. “How long has it been since you’ve seen me?”

The Doctor was quiet for a long time. “You know how time is for me, Jack.”

Jack shook his head. “From your point of view.”

“You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit imprecise. Over four-and-a-half billion years.”

Jack nearly dropped his mug. “H-how long?”

“You heard me correctly, Jack.”

“But from what I could gather, one regeneration could last at most 20,000 years, if you were on Gallifrey and took exceptional care of yourself. How did…”. He shook his head. “You probably can’t answer that.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I can, I just can’t give details. I’ve been on Earth about 700 years, before that I was on Darillium for 24 years. Before that… I got trapped in a place. It was a closed energy loop. That’s where I spent the bulk of my time. Four point five billion years. Give or take... Before I could break out.”

Jack offered a low whistle. “And I thought being buried underground for 2000 years was bad. You talk like you remember it.”

The Doctor offered a small nod. “Most of it. Yes.”

All the hatred Jack felt towards the Doctor vanished in a heartbeat. Eventually he remained dead and didn’t have to live through most of those 2000 years. Certainly, he didn’t remember it. “That’s a hell of a long time.”

The Doctor was tempted to tell Jack he would experience a similar amount of time, just not on repeat. But not now. Maybe later. Or at least maybe later he’ll tell Jack how to end it, when he’s ready. “Yeah.” The word was only a breath. He took a moment and then continued. “After fighting for so long, the time on Darillium and here has felt more like time to recover. And of course, I’ve learnt how to stop running.”

Jack understood. “Because you can’t run when you’re trapped. You just have to learn how to sit with it and break free.”

The Doctor nodded again. “And I’m not trapped here. Not really. I just… There isn’t a planet I’d rather be on.”

Jack was quiet a moment. He knew he was about to tread on dangerous ground, but he wanted to know. “Why is that? I mean, that you spend so much time on Earth.”

The Doctor gave Jack a look. He was measuring the man up, wondering if Jack was ready for his answer. “Because Susan loved Earth, we spent a lot of time here. It was her home after we left Gallifrey. And I think a part of me keeps hoping if I get the timing right, I’ll get to see her again.”

The reason for the hesitancy was plain to Jack once the Doctor explained. They were both grandparents. Both had lost them. The Doctor, being a time traveller had a hope Jack never could: to see Susan again.

The Doctor had shared more than Jack had expected. He felt it was his turn to share something. “I never really got it. I mean, I had learned over the years to love and move on, like you did. But I never really understood the sacrifice you made until the other day.”

The Doctor looked over at him. “Jack, if you’re not ready…”

Jack stood then, and started to pace. “Who else could I talk with about these things, eh? Who else could understand what it means to sacrifice someone so precious to save a planet? Do you really think there’s a person on this planet who understands what I went through as much as you could?”

“I will listen, Jack. I just… This is a bit of Pandora’s Box for both of us. There’s going to be a lot we have to go through before we get to Hope. You can’t rush it.”

Jack deflated and sank back into his chair. “I’ll never be ready, but I’d rather start in the safety of the TARDIS than anywhere else.”

The Doctor nodded his agreement. “Then we shall begin.”


	16. We Must All Face Our Demons

Jack relaxed more into his beanbag and the Doctor turned on the couch so he was facing Jack. It was the Doctor who started. “I watched everything. I had read the reports back before I regenerated. It was one of the reasons why I avoided Earth at this time. Having gone through everything I had, I just couldn’t… Or maybe a part of me or the TARDIS knew I was here on Earth now, like this.” He paused to sip some tea. “So, I knew which feeds to tap into and what to watch for. But reports leave out a lot of details. Frobisher’s photo for one. So, watching was very different. I lived through it with you… with everyone."

Jack sighed. “But you couldn’t get involved. It was already history for you.”

The Doctor nodded once. “I wanted to. Holed myself up here in the TARDIS to ensure I wouldn’t…”

Jack nodded. “Would all of this happened anyway? I mean… was it a Fixed Point because of me? Because I am?”

The Doctor shook his head. “I don’t think so. Different people would have filled all the different roles, but the event itself was a fixed point. It would have always happened.” He looked at Jack for a minute. He didn’t know if it would help to hear or not, but the Doctor wanted to offer some sense of comfort. “Someone would have always challenged the 4-5-6 and they would have always released the gas. Someone would have always sacrificed a child they cared deeply about to destroy the 4-5-6.”

There was something about the Doctor’s tone that bothered Jack. “You talk like you know. Like you’ve seen this all before.”

The Doctor pursed his lips. “Seen? No. But after I learnt what happened, I did a lot of research. Members of the 4-5-6 had done similar on many other planets with humanoid children. Sometimes, the planet granted all the children they requested at once. Sometimes, like here, they negotiated a small number, to return for the full number later.” A small smile crept across his features. “Not Earth, though. You humans are such a juxtaposition. You have no problem sacrificing children yourselves under your own decisions. But should someone else come in? You will fight tooth and nail.”

Jack huffed. “Some of us, anyway.” 

The Doctor went quiet. He needed to gauge how much Jack was taking in. How much Jack really understood of how the Doctor saw him right now. Jack held his silence longer than the Doctor expected. Finally, he spoke. “So, someone’s Steven. Someone’s Ianto would have always died on Earth. And similar has happened on other planets. How many?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I didn’t dig deep, Jack. I… Honestly, was a little self-centred toward the end. It was enough for me to know Earth wasn’t as unique as the Earthlings felt.”

“Did you go after them?”

The Doctor swallowed hard and shook his head in the negative. “Like I said, I had my own issues to deal with. And regeneration doesn’t always go so well for me.”

Jack shook his head in disapproval. “So, by the time you thought about it again, it was 1965.”

The Doctor nodded. Jack’s lips twitched. “Can we go after them now?”

The alien had honestly thought that would have been one of Jack’s first questions. The Doctor shook his head. “It would be revenge. Revenge only makes things worse.”

Jack pursed his lips. “You’re so serious now. Even more than when I very first met you.”

“I’m billions of years older. Age can have that effect on people.”

Jack nodded and sighed again. “So, where do we go from here? What do I do now?”

“Not sure you’re ready for that step.”

“But there _is_ a next step?”

The Doctor nodded. “There’s always a next step.” He paused for a moment and sipped at his tea again. “Forgiveness. The only way we can live in peace is if we learn to forgive.”

Jack rolled his eyes and pulled a hand down his face. “That’s it? That’s the advice of someone billions of years old?”

“It’s honestly the only way. I’ve done it all the other ways. And those other ways cling to you and surround you like a shroud. They slowly suffocate you. I’m not saying it’s easy or that it will happen quickly. But I promise it is the best way. Especially if you want to continue to defend the Earth.”

Jack was quiet again for a long time. “My rage is what led to you looking… like you do now. So, I suppose that’s not a good way.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I deserved it. Many things you suffered and have experienced were because of me.”

Jack huffed. “No one deserves that.”

“Good. Glad you understand that. _You_ don’t deserve it either.” The Doctor slowly stood. “Come on, I have something I want to show you.”

Jack got to his feet, picked up his mug of tea and started to follow the Doctor. The alien led them to the Console Room. He had debated this for a long time, but decided it would be okay. He programmed some coordinates and set the TARDIS in motion. Jack got a bit weepy at hearing the sounds of the engines. “I never thought I’d hear that sound again.”

The Doctor nodded. “After I escaped my entrapment, I couldn’t find her for nearly a year. Someone had taken my key. Anyway. I know the feeling.”

Jack nodded. “So where are we going?”

“The closest human pronunciation is ‘Vinvotix.’ But you’ll understand more once we’re in orbit.”

The TARDIS materialised and the Doctor walked to the TARDIS doors to open them. “Look down on it. Remember it.”

Jack did. There was a fog that he couldn’t see through, but the way it moved, it’s consistency was oddly familiar. The Doctor walked back to the monitor. “Come and see.”

Jack followed back to the console. He looked at the monitor and gasped at the information the monitor was displaying. He then looked at the Doctor. “This is where the 4-5-6 came from?”

The Doctor nodded. “I sent a homing signal. They’ve all returned. You have a choice to make, Jack. And it is yours alone to make. You can destroy the entire planet and all of them with it. You can leave them alone as they are right now. You can free any children they are feasting upon. Or finally, we can leave things as they are. Pretend like we never even came here.”

Jack frowned. “You really think I’m ready to make this choice?”

The Doctor offered a small smirk. “The fact that you can voice that question proves that you are.”

Jack didn’t share the Doctor’s optimism. He was staring at the monitor and looked back at the planet. “What will happen to the children?”

“Their bodies will be allowed to die.”

Jack swallowed hard. “Because in a sense, they’re already dead.” The Doctor nodded. So, Jack continued. “And then what? Do we leave them there or take them to their homes for burial?”

The Doctor shook his head. “We have to leave them because of how they’re connected to the creatures. But they won’t feed them anymore.”

“And what’s to stop the 4-5-6 from going to get more?”

The Doctor nodded grimly. Jack was asking the right questions. “Ever see an addict go through withdrawal? Or stop their drug of choice cold-turkey?”

Jack nodded. The Doctor shrugged. “Similar. Only their drug has been infused into how they live and function. They won’t be able to travel. They will be stuck on this planet.”

“So, it will be awhile at least before they can hurt anyone again.”

The Doctor nodded. “And who knows, maybe they’ll learn to live without it in that time.”

Jack had several tears going down his face. “Why?”

“Why what? Why you? Why these particular choices? Why now?”

Jack shrugged. “All of that.”

“Because it can’t be me. They specifically attack humans. It should be a human to make this choice. These are always the choices. Sometimes none of the options are good, but you still have to choose. Because this is when they’re all gathered here. So, it’s the best time to do whatever you choose to do.”

“No matter what I do, the kids die. I know you said they’re already dead, but a part of them is still alive. We saw that on the monitors. We only have the word of the 4-5-6 to go by and they have plenty of reason to lie.”

“They killed them long ago. You’re choosing how to free them.” The Doctor was being very patient and gentle with Jack. But this had to be done and after their earlier conversation, the Doctor realised if he didn’t have Jack act now, Jack never would.

“We can’t return them to their home planets, no matter what we do.”

The Doctor shook his head. “No, but the TARDIS has identified many of them. We can send a signal to those planets and let them know what’s happened.”

“And what happens to them. To the 4-5-6. Do you know?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Not a clue, aside from the obvious.”

“And to me?”

“You learn to live with all the choices you make. You go on.”

“Like you.”

The Doctor nodded. “More like me than you can imagine.”

Jack noted the tone in the Doctor’s voice. There was more to that story. But Jack couldn’t address that now. He had a feeling that this was the only opportunity that the Doctor was going to give him for this choice. If he was honest with himself, he preferred making it while the Doctor was with him and could help him learn to deal with all the choices he has made recently. Jack leant heavily on the console, trying to make his decision. He couldn’t leave it alone. He whispered to himself. “Destroy the 4-5-6 and free the kids or free the kids and see what happens…”

He thought about all the choices the Doctor must have made over his long lives. All the decisions he himself witnessed the Doctor make. Then he considered what this particular Doctor had told him. Especially that forgiveness was the only way to live in peace. “I’m not ready to forgive them.”

The Doctor nodded gravely again. “But you can still choose to take a step towards forgiveness.”

Jack blew air between his lips like a raspberry. It was less to insult the Doctor and more an expression of his anxiety over the choice he had to make. Finally, he straightened and looked at the Doctor. “Free the kids.”

The Doctor’s expression grew into a proper smile – well as much of a smile as the swelling would allow. And Jack couldn’t help the answering smile. The Doctor thought he had made the right choice and for some reason, that approval did more for him than he thought possible. The Doctor went into motion – slower than usual, but with more energy than he had shown yet today. He set switches and dials on the console. Then, when everything was set, he gestured to a button. “Set them free, Jack.”

Jack hadn’t thought he’d have to press the button. But then, it made sense. The Doctor had said it was his choice. The choice wouldn’t be complete until he pressed it. He nodded grimly once. He stared at the button for a long moment and then pressed it.

By this time, the Doctor had gone back to the doors to watch. “Come and see, Jack.”

“Do you know what’s happening.”

“No. But given how they arrive and leave planets; I doubt we’ll miss anything. And the TARDIS is recording anything we can’t see.”

Jack joined him. They stood there silently for several moments. Then, there was a screeching sound that surrounded them. Jack stepped back. “What was that?”

“The children are all freed. The 4-5-6 are reacting to that loss.”

“But,” Jack looked back to the console, “It’s not coming from the speakers. It’s actually loud enough to hear this far away.”  
“They’re all reacting the same way at once.”  
“Thought you didn’t know what would happen.”  
“I had suspicions, but I couldn’t be sure.”  
Jack nodded. “They’re suffering.”  
“And probably will for quite a while.”

The two men stood there for some time watching and listening to the cries. Finally, Jack gave a nod. “I’ve seen enough.”

The Doctor closed the doors and went to the console. He sent the ship back to its place in his office.


	17. It really solves nothing

After the TARDIS completed its materialisation process, there was a rather demanding knock at the door. Jack frowned and looked at the Doctor. “Who the hell is that?”

The Doctor grimaced. “My babysitter. Maybe you should go to your room.” He made a gesture to his face. “This isn’t going to be pleasant.”

The insistent knocking continued. Jack shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

The Doctor sighed. “Neither do I most days.”

But he made his way over to the door. He opened it and quickly turned around before the person on the other side could catch a glimpse of his injuries. He gave a knowing glance to Jack, but kept his back to the short and roundish man who had just entered. Nardole followed behind. The Doctor gestured between the two men. “Jack, Nardole. Nardole, Jack. If you’re going to swap stories, I prefer you do it behind my back.”

Nardole pulled a face. “No, you don’t.”

Jack approached Nardole and offered his hand for the other man to shake. “No, he doesn’t.”

Nardole took the hand and shook it. “I’m terribly sorry for… everything that happened recently.”

Jack nodded. “Thanks. So, you know who I am?”

Nardole nodded. “Even without all the news stories, 700 years is a long time to spend with that one.” He gestured to the Doctor, “For long periods of time, there wasn’t much to do beyond study the TARDIS data files on everyone who’s ever travelled with him.”

Jack looked Nardole up and down. “700 years? Did he make you immortal too?”

“What? No. I’m a…”

“He’s not quite human.” The Doctor cut in. He had moved to the upper level of the console room so that he could stick to the shadows, staying as far away from Nardole as possible. “Just need to replace his parts every now and then.”

Jack looked between the two men. There was some strange dynamic and he couldn’t quite identify what it was. “So, you know my story. What’s yours?”

“Me? Oh, just around to keep him in line. On order of…”  
“People who don’t matter anymore and Jack doesn’t need that story right now.” The Doctor cut in before Nardole could finish.

Now Jack knew something was going on, but he could also tell it wasn’t the time to press, especially since the Doctor wouldn’t be able to hide his injuries for much longer. 

Nardole had been watching the Doctor. “Sir? What are you doing?”

“I’m,” the Doctor paused as he tried to come up with an excuse, “Looking for a book. Something to help Jack.”

Jack could tell the Doctor was lying, but as he studied Nardole, he wasn’t sure the shorter man knew. But if the Doctor was lying, there was probably a reason for it. Well, the injuries would be reason enough, wouldn’t they? He sighed. “You travel with him?”

Nardole shrugged. “We haven’t done a lot of that recently. Certain duties and such. Why don’t I make a cuppa and we can all sit down?”

“I’m not thirsty,” the Doctor answered. 

Nardole pursed his lips. “Why are you hiding from me?”  
“I told you, I’m looking for a book.”  
“Yeah, I don’t believe it, especially with how you’re moving. Come down here where I can get a proper look at you.”

The Doctor gave Jack a deflated look. Jack knew what that expression meant, no matter the face the Doctor wore. He nodded and stepped back to give the two men some space. The Doctor slowly made his way down a set of stairs. He hung his head slightly, trying to keep it in the shadows as long as possible. Nardole gasped when he saw the Doctor’s features. “Sir? What happened?”

The round man had moved into caretaking mode. Jack now understood the Doctor’s earlier comment and wouldn’t subject the alien to… whatever fussing was about to happen. He took a breath. “I did.”

Nardole invaded the Doctor’s space to get a good look at the bruising, but at Jack’s words, rounded on him. “You? What did you do?”

It was the Doctor who replied. “We’ve known each other a long time. A lot of what’s happened to him could be blamed on me. Jack enacted the punishment he thought appropriate.”

Nardole hummed in disbelief, but when he took in Jack’s expression, knew that the Doctor wasn’t lying. He turned his attention back to the Doctor and assisted with getting him to one of the seats. “Why aren’t you healing?”  
“I don’t know."

Nardole nodded. “What can I do?”

The Doctor shrugged. Nardole looked between the two men again. Now Jack answered. “He’s better than he was yesterday. If that helps?”

Nardole frowned for a moment at the word ‘yesterday’. The Doctor should be far more healed than this, given the amount of time that had passed. “It doesn’t. Come on, let’s go to the medbay and check you over.”

“Nardole, no.” The Doctor’s tone allowed for no argument. 

Nardole considered what would need to happen to get the Doctor to do what he wanted. He smirked. “Either you come to the medbay or you go check on the Vault.”

The Doctor debated. If he went to the Vault, that would give Jack and Nardole too much time together. But if he stayed, he’d have to endure Nardole’s fussing. “Fine.”

He stood and made his way to the doors. “But whatever you two need to talk about concerning me, get it over and done before I return.”

Nardole and Jack looked at each other and then both gave the Doctor a nod. With that, the Doctor left. The remaining men sighed in unison.

“Did you have permission to kick his arse too?” Nardole couldn’t help as he tried to put an amused spin on the situation.

“Not really. Wait. You _do_? How did you manage that?”

“It’s a long story. How about that cuppa I mentioned and I’ll tell you what I can of it.”

Jack gestured to one of the exits and followed behind Nardole. “What’s this Vault that he has to check on?”

“Oh, it’s why we’ve been on Earth for so long. He has to guard it.”

Jack raised his eyebrows. “Knew he couldn’t stay in one place that long without a good reason. So, what is it? Something dangerous? Something he found related to the Time Lords?”

“Well, that’s the easiest way to put it, I guess. So yes.” 

The men went quiet as they made their way to the kitchen and Nardole started to do up the tea. Once they were served, Nardole sat down before he began. “There’s obviously a lot I can’t tell you because of time lines. But most of that doesn’t matter anyway. Mostly, I sent him away so we could have some time.”

Jack nodded. “You’re angry with me.”

Nardole offered an innocent smile. “Not as much as you might think. He needs a good arse whipping now and then. I usually take the ‘kill him with kindness’ approach.”

Jack smirked in return. “Be careful, one day you might succeed in killing him. That, or he’ll lash out at you.”

Nardole grinned. “I doubt it. I think there’s a part of him deep down that likes it every now and then. I do it more than he likes because it keeps me entertained.”

Jack snorted. “Fair enough.” He paused for a moment. “So, you know all about me, what should I know about you?”

Nardole knew not to talk about River to Jack for various reasons. Three time travellers, all with extended lives could get into a lot of trouble. “I’m a bit of a swindler. I was partnering with the Doctor’s… companion… at the time. When that companion died, she told me to watch after him. I have done ever since."

Jack frowned. “And he actually lets you?”  
“Of course not, but that’s the short version.”

Jack smirked. “He does need looking after. How do you keep up?”

Nardole shrugged. “I just remember that he needs someone. And someone who can be focused on him for a change. Everyone always wants to travel with him for the adventures. They’ll tell him not to be alone, but at the end of it, they all leave. Or he leaves them. He takes care of me as much as I do him.”

Jack frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Like he said, I’m not human. I need… maintenance after a fashion. I’m part android, part human, part…”

Jack held up his hand. “It’s fine, I get the picture. So, in the end, you take care of each other, and due to your unique natures can actually be there for each other in ways others can’t be.”

Nardole nodded. “That’s the sum of it.”

The men continued to talk about various things. Nardole was tactful enough to not ask for details about the past couple of weeks of Jack’s life, even if he was curious. Jack asked for bits of information, but he was more fishing for information on the Doctor. Nardole picked up on this and started to tell Jack he would have to ask the Doctor those questions himself.

Eventually the two men ended up in the bowling alley, which was how they spent the rest of the afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to those who will be celebrating it this week! 
> 
> (Also, this story has received over 1000 hits already. I'm bowled over! Thank you and I hope you continue to enjoy this story!)


	18. At the Vault

The Doctor took his time walking down to the Vault. It was afternoon and the quad would still be filled with students. He wasn’t even supposed to be there. He had submitted some of his lectures via email so that his students wouldn’t be too far behind since he had cancelled his classes last week and this week. But still, if they saw him, they would want to know why he was around and have discussions and all those student things that students demand of their instructors. He didn’t want any of that.

Finally, he was in the safety of the basement of the building. He approached the Vault and scanned it for any disturbances before sliding to the ground with his back against the doors.

“You’re hurt.”

Missy’s voice surprised him. And then when they sunk in, her words surprised him too. “What makes you say that?”

“I can hear how you’re moving. You sound stiff and in pain. What happened?”

“What always happens to me. I pay a price for caring.”

Missy couldn’t help it. She had to chuckle. “And the Freak isn’t exactly a wimp.”  
“Don’t call him that!”  
“Ah, so it was him.”  
“Of course. Who else hates me enough to do to me… what he did.”  
“You could bring him down here. I’m sure I’d give him a run for the money.”  
“Jack wouldn’t hit a woman.”  
“Doctor!” Missy offered a fake gasp, “I’m touched.”  
“Don’t be. Even with his understanding of regeneration, I don’t think he’d see you as the Master.” Some days it was hard for him to see her like that. She had changed slightly over the past 700 years. Enough that he hadn’t called her ‘Mistress’ in probably 500 years.

“How bad is it?”  
“I didn’t come here for sadistic entertainment. Do you want me to read today?”  
“Not now. Something is wrong. What? I can hear the hint of pain in your voice. Why is that? I shouldn’t be able to hear anything since it’s been a couple of days.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. He knew there was no way around it. “I’m healing slower than usual is all.”

Missy chuckled. “You’re getting old, Doctor. This particular body is wearing a bit thin. So, bad enough to injure you severely, but not severe enough to trigger regeneration.” Her last statement sounded almost compassionate.

He hummed. “That about sums it up. And now Nardole knows, so he’s going to keep a closer eye on me than usual.”  
“Well, this time, I can’t say I blame him. And do you still want to help the Fr— I mean Jack?”  
“Yes.”  
“Someday, that is going to lead to your death, Doctor, and no one will be able to save you.”  
“If you ever knew me, you’d know that’s pretty much always the cause of my regenerations. Why would my permanent death be any different?”  
“Good point.”

Both went quiet for a long time. It was strangely comforting to the Doctor that Missy wasn’t trying to press her advantage too much. After a few more minutes, the Doctor dug in his pockets and pulled out two books. _The Divine Comedy_ by Dante and _The Great Divorce_ by C.S. Lewis. He frowned. He wasn’t sure Missy was ready for either of those and given his current situation, he wasn’t sure he wanted to read them either. He pocketed them.

“Why don’t you bring Jack down here?”

Missy’s voice distracted the Doctor from his thoughts. He offered the only answer that made sense to him. “Because you two hate each other.”  
“True, but I hate most humans, so that’s not exactly a compelling reason, is it? You don’t have to tell him who I am.”  
“No. Neither of you are ready for that. And _I’m_ certainly not.” He paused in thought. “But, maybe later. In a few weeks.”

The enthusiasm in Missy’s voice couldn’t be missed. “Really? You’d do that?”  
“I’d consider it, yes. But not now. And not if I think it would do more harm than good.”  
“Because you’re the Doctor and you know such things.” Missy sighed deeply. She knew it would be pointless to fight much harder with him on that. “So why _are_ you here?”

He chuckled. “Because it was come here or Nardole was going to examine my wounds.”  
“And you see me as less torture. Doctor, I do think you’re changing.”  
“I’m not the one changing. You are.”

She snorted. “You think I can’t torture Jack from inside of here?”  
“I know you can. That’s why I’m not telling him about this place, unless I think he can handle it.”  
“Oh, Doctor, you _do_ care! I’m touched.”  
“Don’t flatter yourself. At this point it’s more about the planet than any of us.”

He could hear Missy huff in disappointment. He should give her credit for trying, but he didn’t want to do that just yet. Maybe in a few more years he’d be ready. Because at this point, it was more about him being ready than her being ready. He hummed in reply to her huff. “I’m sorry, I didn’t bring any good books with me.”

“You haven’t brought good books in the last 90 years. Always too caught up in what you need to teach your students. And don’t think I don’t know that’s what you do. You read to me the books you’re planning to lecture on. It’s hardly fun for me.”

The Doctor shook his head in dismay. He knew the conversation wasn’t going to remain that civil for long. This had been an ongoing argument in recent years. What he really needed to do was to get the Vault open so he could give her some books that she could read on her own. “It’s a punishment. It’s not supposed to be fun. I’m just trying to stop it from becoming abject torture.”

“You’re far too compassionate.”

“It has been said. Davros said it would kill me. And I said I wouldn’t die of anything else.”

Missy hummed in thought. “It’s a bit unfair. Doesn’t leave much room for me to kill you. And that’s my _right_, as your friend.”

“Thanks for this trip down memory lane. I’ve checked on the Vault, which is secure. I’ve checked on you and you seem to be doing as well as you can.”

He stood to leave, but Missy’s voice stopped him. “Doctor.” She paused to make sure he was listening. “Let yourself heal. Let Nardole help. I… You promised 1000 years to me.”

The Doctor pursed his lips and walked back to the doors. He rested his hand on the seam. “I know. I’m not dying, Missy. Just going a bit slower than usual.”

Missy hummed. “Take care. I… I mean that.”

The Doctor offered a small smile. “I know. You too. It might be a few days, but I will return.”

He exited the basement and made his way back to his office. The quad was now quiet and he stopped by the department office to check his mailbox. He collected everything from there, including some papers that needed grading and returned to his own office. He dumped the pile of mail onto his desk and sank into his chair. He looked at the pictures of River and Susan for a long time. Then stared at the TARDIS. He spoke to all three. “I shouldn’t have let Jack carry on as long as I did. But, I’ll be fine.”

The TARDIS groaned. And the Doctor huffed. “I. Will!” He sighed. “I just need a break. Jack needs me, Missy needs me, the students need me, and the planet needs me. Nardole wants to mother me. I’m just used to running and there’s nowhere to run to.”

He stared at the pictures again. They silently stared back with those knowing half-smiles. “I know! I know. It wasn’t as good of an idea as I thought. But leave me alone for a bit. I have some grading to do.”

He pulled the pile towards him. At least he could read the first paragraph of each paper and sort them.


	19. A Transition

The Doctor had gotten engrossed in reading papers. He would complain about students and being stuck in one place, but he loved teaching. Even though it had only been just over a week, reading the papers reminded him how much he already missed it. Besides, as he had said to the TARDIS and the two pictures, he needed a break from everything else that was happening.

It wasn’t until the creak of the TARDIS doors distracted him that he realised just how much time had passed. He looked up to see Nardole standing in the doorway. He set the paper he had been reading back on the pile he had been working on grading. “How’s Jack?”

Nardole winced his eyes at the Doctor, trying to get a better gauge on the alien. “Better than you, I think.”  
“Really? What makes you say that?”  
“Sir, you’re rubbish at taking care of yourself. You go from one thing to the next and the next. Never really sitting still.”  
“I stayed for 24 years on Darillium. I’ve been here for over 700 years. What more do you want?”

Nardole walked over to the chairs near the Doctor’s desk and sat down in one. “Physically, yes. But the last few weeks on Darillium, you were already running. Remember? I had to slow you down. To appreciate every last second you…”

The Doctor raised his hand to stop Nardole. He didn’t want to rehash all of the emotions from the last weeks he had with River. But the creature wasn’t wrong. He pursed his lips in thought as he tried to explain. “Sitting still has never been my strong suit. And I’ve been sitting still a lot recently. I’m better with it for those experiences. But I’d rather be moving.”

Nardole nodded. “And the problem right now is you’re obviously not resting as much as you think. If you were, you’d be healing correctly.”  
“I have a lot of responsibilities on my plate.”  
“No.”  
“No?”  
“Okay, you do. But you used to be able to let things go. You’re holding it all in now.”

The Doctor pulled a hand down his face. “Nardole, if I wanted a therapy session, I’d talk to the TARDIS.”

The bald man hummed in reply. “And how long has it been since you properly talked to her? I don’t mean the general way you ask her for things. I mean really talked.”

The Doctor went quiet. He understood what Nardole was asking probably better than the round man did. And it had been far longer than he wanted to admit. Pilots and TARDISes had a symbiotic relationship. It was the TARDIS that really allowed a Time Lord to regenerate. But how to explain all that to… Nardole hummed again when the Doctor remained silent for too long and then nodded. “As I thought. Jack is having a bit of a kip. It’s a few hours before dinner. I’ll make dinner, if you go and talk to her properly.”

The Doctor nearly sighed with relief when Nardole wasn’t going to make him vocalise how long it had been. He nodded in reply as well. “Okay. But stay out of the console room.”

Nardole held up his hands appeasingly. “Wouldn’t dream of bothering you two.”

The Doctor nodded and gestured to the TARDIS. “You first, I’ll tidy up here and follow on in a minute.”

Nardole did as the Doctor requested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was so short, but the next one would have been too long, had I not done it this way.


	20. Facing the Music Himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the following TARDIS lore was made up by me. I’ve taken bits mentioned in other stories and combined them together for this one. Also, this fic operates independently of my first fic The Heart of the TARDIS. (mostly because when I reread it now, it makes me cringe at how VERY fanfic-y it is. UGH!)
> 
> * * *

The Doctor slowly entered the TARDIS. His hesitance was ridiculous. She was always in his head. Even more so after their billions of years separation when he had been in the Confession Dial. But that wasn’t the same as talking. And while this conversation could happen in any room on the TARDIS, the Doctor knew how it needed to happen. There was a reason why the Telepathic Interface in his console room was… the way it was this time. He suspected the Old Girl knew a time like this would happen and the connection between them was always stronger when using the interface, anyway.

He ran his hands along the railing at the entrance. A gentle stroke to tell her ‘hello’. Then he approached the console and did the same. He allowed his fingers to dance across the different portions until he was stood in front of the interface. He swallowed. “It’s been a long time since we’ve done it this way. Maybe too long.”

He hoped she would forgive him. He often became complacent. The strength of their mental bond was often enough for him. But he sometimes forgot it might not be enough for her.

He slowly sank his fingers into the gel-like material. The lighting changed from multi-coloured to just a steady gold. Almost the colour of regeneration energy, if he thought about it. He wondered briefly if that was intentional. He shook his head to clear it of those thoughts. “Focus, Doctor.”

He closed his eyes and waited. It took longer than normal, which surprised him, but finally he felt the connection establish. He had a vague memory of telling someone about letting the TARDIS bite them. He had only been half-joking. He breathed a few minutes just immersing himself in the experience. Finally, he spoke. “I want to see you.”

Her voice was soft and warm, like an old familiar blanket. “_What form would you like me to take?_”

He shook his head. “No. I want you to choose. I want to see you the way you see yourself.”

She went quiet for a long time. When she spoke again, the Doctor could tell her voice wasn’t just in his head. It was familiar yet unrecognisable at the same time. He opened his eyes and looked around. When he saw her, he couldn’t help but step back from the console. She was pure energy. Not unlike the energy that surrounds and changes him during regeneration. And yet, it didn’t hold the fear for him that it usually did. A sense of delight could be heard in her tone. “Did you really think I would have any other appearance? Those few points in your life, we are more joined than any other. I do what I can to make it as easy as I can…”

Her voice trailed off in regret. He pulled his hands from the gel interface and stepped towards her. “You’ve never failed me. Not once.”

She shimmered, revealing that what he saw was still just a projection. The Doctor got the impression that she was debating what to say in reply. “I failed you at least once.”

The Doctor thought long and hard about what she might be referring to. He could think of many times that she would think she failed him. He shook his head. “No. No. Stop that. You being confined to the mechanics has nothing to do with failure.”  
“I gave up on the hope that you would return to me.”

He thought they had been through this. “It had been billions of years. I gave up the hope of ever returning to you more times than I care to recount. If anyone did wrong, if anyone betrayed anyone, it was me. My trust in you is always so complete, that I never ask your permission. I only take action without even thinking of the consequences it will have on you.”

She shimmered again and came closer. “I never ask you about regeneration either. I just… do it.”

He nodded. “But that’s different. I’m afraid of dying. No matter how terrible regeneration is, I think death will be worse.”  
“For both of us.” She paused for a moment. “You saved me.”  
“I know.”

“No, you do not, my idiot pilot. Do you know why I was decommissioned? Why I was tucked away in the darkest part of the workshop?”  
“Because of your age, I should think.”

She shimmered and there was light amusement in her tone. “I had been down there for over a thousand years before we met. They were afraid to dismantle me for parts. In all these years, have you never thought to ask yourself why?”

The Doctor pursed his lips. She was right, of course. He hadn’t researched it at all. Other Time Lords had tried to give him hints, but he didn’t really want to know. He looked around and sat down on the stairs. “If you want to tell me, I’ll listen.”

The light grew brighter until the Doctor had to close his eyes against the brilliance of it. When he opened them again, there was an image of a woman that he had only ever seen in his dreams. He had no idea if she had taken this form because of them or if the images in the dreams had been from her. She had short dark hair, it was nearly black, the curls were far tighter than his own and it hung down to her shoulders. She wore a cream coloured fitted tunic. Her face was kindly and makeup free. But her skin… seemed to shimmer with regeneration energy. He smiled a bit sadly. “I thought I told you earlier to show me how you see yourself.”

She reached out her hand but stopped just before touching him. She was only a hologram, after all. “We are all energy in the end, Doctor. This form is just as real to me as the other.”

He nodded his head once. “You are beautiful.”

She smiled, but when he reached out to try to touch her, she pulled back slightly. “Please, don’t touch me.”

He frowned. “I touch you all the time.” He gestured to the console.

Her smile turned almost sad. “Yes. But if you try to touch me like this… I might shatter you.”

He found that an odd statement, but when he thought about her comment regarding regeneration, he accepted what she said. He nodded and decided to change the subject. “What about you would terrify the Time Lords so much that they would decommission you, but not dismantle you?”

She approached and gestured that he should give her room to sit next to him. He willingly did. She was quiet for a long time, before she found the words to speak. “Not even the Time Lords like to remember this particular person. But he had been my first pilot. So, I was branded as evil as him. I have never spoken his name before. He was called the Kenodoxia.”

The Doctor looked over at her. He had heard rumours of this Time Lord but never would have connected him to this TARDIS. “On Earth, that would be Greek. The English translation is vainglory.”

She smiled. “Yes, Doctor. I know all the languages you do and many that you do not. Do you know anything about him?”

The Doctor scratched the back of his neck in thought. “His name, as many have said of mine, was aptly chosen. Time Lords for years wanted to be rid of him and with more passion than they have against me. I… I never knew that you were connected to him.”

She offered a small shrug. “Would you have given me a chance, had you known?”

At first, he thought about protesting. But then he considered what he had been like when he was so much younger. His TARDIS deserved his honesty and truth. “Probably not. Is it true what they said of him? That he devoured TARDISes?”

She hummed and nodded once. “After a fashion. He never allowed for a proper symbiotic relationship to form, which is draining for us. He would use one up, send it back to the workshop for recovery, take on a new one and do the same.”

The Doctor’s tone had a growl to it. “Like a child receiving too many gifts at Christmas.”

She nodded in agreement. “He believed the reason why TARDISes always failed him was because he did not raise them himself. The Vainglorious never see themselves as the problem. I was still being constructed when he first took me. I was too young to properly communicate with anyone, so I am unsure how he succeeded in convincing the Duenna to allow me to be taken, but for whatever reason she allowed it.”

The Doctor held up a hand to stop the conversation for a minute. “Wait, you speak as if there has only been one Duenna. Isn’t that a title that is handed down to whatever Time Lord cares for the TARDISes?”

She shook her head. “To my knowledge, there has only ever been one. Her life is prolonged as a gift from us. I am unsure if she has ever regenerated.”

The Doctor was shocked. “She must be hundreds of thousands of years old.”

She shrugged. “Perhaps millions. No one really knows.” She paused before she continued with her story. “I will not speak his name again, but he was not well versed in TARDIS lore. Had he known more, he would have understood that we need the psychic connections to grow and function properly. I cannot speak for how he treated others, but he always denied that connection to me.”

The Doctor swallowed thickly; he could not imagine what that must have been like for her. The connection had been vital between the pair of them, once he realised she was her own entity.

She continued. “I was just on the verge of developed enough when he infused me into the mechanics of the ship. I was unprepared for what was happening to me. I did not even know it was a possibility for that to happen. Somehow, perhaps because my sisters understood what was happening and helped me, I began to understand what was expected of me. I was his slave, there is no other word to describe it. I try to block out most of that time. It’s still here.” She tapped the side of her head. “But I keep it buried deep.”

The Doctor nodded. “I wish you had told me sooner.”  
“It was never the right time.”  
“So, you went through hell before. Why do you stay with me?”

She laughed at that. A genuine mirth. “My dear Pilot, because I love you.”

Her naked honesty pierced through him and he could not ignore it. He couldn’t speak, but instead gestured that she should continue.

“After many years together, I had finally learned to behave as he wanted. This allowed him to start making modifications to my programming. Most of them were experimental at best and the Time Lords would probably have banned all of them, if they knew they existed. One would allow him to send me away into a pocket of space and summon me again on demand.”

The Doctor gasped. “Like what I did when I was fighting the Master.”

She shook her head. “No. You put me one second out of phase with the world around me. He… sent me to a pocket dimension, only to call me back to him at his Will. The trials went well. It did not take long to understand what he actually wanted of me.”

The Doctor swallowed. “Did he…. Did he torture you?”

She just looked at him for a long time. Her expression told him everything he needed to know. She spoke again, but did not expand upon her expression. She obviously wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. He didn’t press and instead allowed her to continue with this story. “I learned many things as well. I learned that I had a bit of autonomy when he would use the program…”  
“_You_ did that?” He interrupted. 

She became afraid that her Pilot might abandon her for revealing this truth. “It was not my intention to harm him.”  
“So, you _did_. Rumours surrounding Kenodoxia’s death were highly suspect. But to think of you being the one to….”  
“Please let me explain.”

The Doctor took a calming breath and nodded. She slowly began speaking again. The guilt in her tone was palpable. “On that fateful day, he used the program and sent me away like normal. However, when he recalled me, I used the slight bit of autonomy I had and rematerialised myself on top of him. So, he was…”  
“Atomised. Not even dust could be found. Only the faint outline of a body when they finally moved you. Billions of years, and you never told me.”  
“You seem more upset that I kept it from you than the fact that I killed a fellow Time Lord.”

The Doctor chuckled this time. “I have enough blood on my hands, I have no room to judge. Besides, his loss is not one that is mourned by… anyone as far as I know. You might have even done Time Lord Society a favour, even if they’re too arrogant to admit it.” 

He paused to consider everything she had told him so far. He spoke slowly as he pieced it all together. “So, you weren’t really decommissioned. They didn’t dismantle you for parts because they had feared you’d gone rogue and to use your parts for another, could be disastrous.” He gasped as a realisation struck him. “They were trying to find a way to destroy you completely, containing your rogue elements as they did so.” 

She nodded. “The Time Lords had not encountered the Daleks yet and I was the first TARDIS they really wanted to destroy. Had they understood what Z-neutrino energy would due to us…”

Her voice tapered off. She didn’t need to say that had things been different, she would not be here now. 

He couldn’t stop himself. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but they passed through her since she was only a hologram. A small sob escaped him. He wanted to comfort her, but had no way to do so. She had been right, it did shatter him.

The faint shimmer of tears appeared in her eyes. “With the Time War, we both have enough blood on our hands.”

The Doctor shook his head. “I’m not talking about that. I mean there are deaths I’ve caused or did myself that had nothing to do with you.”

One tear had escaped and slid down her cheek. She gave them a moment and then returned to her story. “My sisters wouldn’t talk to me after that happened. Even they saw me as Evil. But the Duenna, she would sneak in to see me. She would provide the symbiosis that was needed to maintain my life. She would tell me to be patient and that a Time Lord was coming for me.” She paused as a realisation struck her. “She knew about you. Thousands of years before you were born… She knew you’d come for me.” 

A look of awe came over her as she stared at the Time Lord sat next to her. “How could she have known when I was so blinded to it?”

The Doctor offered a small smile. “Because you’ve never told the story before. Sometimes, we can only see things when we face them.”

She knew he was giving the most reassuring reply he could. The truth was deeper. It was because she hadn’t received the proper training. TARDISes, more than Time Lords, could see and understand the whole of time and space, alternate, and parallel universes. She would never be as good at that as her sisters. Which is why they made such a good paring, she supposed. Given what he had just said, it was time to address the obvious... She pursed her lips and looked at him. “Doctor, why aren’t you allowing yourself to heal?”

So many people had asked him that and he could be flippant with everyone except for her. “Because Jack needed to know that he had hurt me.” He shook his head; he knew what she was really asking of him. She didn’t want the obvious answer. She needed the truth. “Because I deserve to suffer for everything I’ve done, but more importantly, for all the things I don’t do.”

The TARDIS nodded once. A simple acknowledgement that she heard his answer. Finally, she spoke again. “You have suffered more and for longer than anyone I have ever known. The burden we have is a shared one. You are never alone and you don’t deserve to suffer more than anyone else because you take on the responsibility of caring for the Universe. If anything, you shouldn’t have to suffer anything at all.”  
“The Meaning of Life is Suffering.”

She allowed a small knowing smirk to play on her lips. “That’s what humans say. What was it your mentor said?”  
“Nothing. He pointed to a flower. Not much more than a weed.”

“Yes. After you had spent some time pouring out all of your sadness. And then what happened?”  
“I saw things like he did.”

She stood and walked a few feet in front of him. “Doctor, look at me. What do you see?”

And not unlike that day, so many billions of years ago, he saw that she wasn’t a hologram at all. She was real. Positively glowing. She moved towards him again and then, the way she moved, she seemed to let him pass through her. Sunlight and energy surrounded him completely. Then she spoke. “I promise you, as long as we are together, you will never have to be afraid of regeneration again.”

She mingled in and through him. This went on for some moments. Then she slowly faded back into being only in his mind. “_I love you, Doctor. And always will_.”

For the first time, in a very long time, the Doctor believed it with his entire being. She knew every horrible thing about him. He was only just learning about her suffering. But he realised, he didn’t need to know more about her. He knew everything he needed to know. “And I you.”

When he stood, he felt refreshed and renewed in a way he hadn’t in far too long. He felt along his face, the swelling had gone down. He rushed to the nearest mirror he could find. He was completely healed. He rested a hand and then his head against a wall. “Thank you, dear.”  
“_I couldn’t do anything until you let me_.”

She was right. Of course, she was and now he knew the next step he needed to take with Jack.


	21. Things Don’t Always Go To Plan

The Doctor, Jack, and Nardole met for dinner. The conversation was light, and little to no comment had been made about the Doctor’s healing. Both Nardole and Jack assumed his healing properties had finally kicked in. Afterwards, Nardole cleaned up and left the two men alone. 

The Doctor was sat with his elbows on the table and had the fingers of his hands entwined together. He was quiet for a long time as he considered how to address the next idea. He really thought it would be better to do it tomorrow, but he could take them somewhere else. All of Time and Space, he could go anywhere he wanted. He knew just the place to go.

Jack finally prompted him. “So what now? Where do I go from here?”

The Doctor’s lips twitched. “I have one more thing to show you. After that, you’ll be on your own. Sometimes we have to find our own ways, Jack. Guides can only help so much.”

Jack nodded. “I understand.”

The Doctor knew that Jack understood better than most. With that, he stood. “Follow me.”

Jack did. The Doctor led them to the Console Room. Once there, he input some coordinates and set the TARDIS in motion.

“So, when and where are we going?”

The Doctor smiled in reply to Jack’s question. “Same time. And a little place I visited ages ago. But, I’m going to leave you there, Jack. You need time and you need to find your own way back from there.”

Jack patted his pockets to make sure he would have everything he needed. “They’ll be hunting me down.”  
“I know.”

The Doctor tossed a small wallet at Jack, it had a new ID and a debit card in it. Jack smirked. “Space money?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Money doesn’t mean a lot in my time. There should be enough on there to cover all expenses for up to a year.”

The Doctor didn’t tell him it could also be used as credits with other species. Some things Jack had to learn for himself. Jack pocketed the wallet. “Thank you.”

The Doctor chuckled softly. “Don’t thank me yet.”

The sound of the materialisation began and once the Doctor made sure the area was secure, he gestured to the door. Jack quirked an eyebrow, but went to the doors and looked out. Upon seeing the site before him he looked back at the Doctor who just gestured that Jack should continue. Then he followed Jack out as well.

The TARDIS had materialised just under what appeared to be a mountain lookout point. But they were under it and mostly out of view of anyone who might be up there. It was overlooking a city and Jack tried to ask where they were. The Doctor just put a finger to his lips in the ‘shush’ gesture. Then he sat down. Jack frowned, since he knew the Doctor loved to talk and show off. He couldn’t understand why the man would sit. But finally, he shrugged and followed the example. 

After about ten minutes, Jack looked over at the Doctor. “Really, what are we doing here?”

The Doctor didn’t answer. He was staring at a flower. Jack wasn’t sure the alien had heard him so he tried to ask again. Again, the Doctor only put his finger to his lips. Jack frowned. He didn’t like silence. Not these days. There were too many things on his mind. The sadness was overwhelming if he thought about it too long. And the Doctor… Was sitting there, silent as could be just looking at a flower.

Jack began to speak. “You’re just going to leave me here. Force me to go out into the world without any hope of ever feeling better. You who knows more about pain and grief than anyone I have ever met and you won’t even tell me how to get better.”

He stopped and waited for the Doctor to reply. The alien still said nothing. Jack was getting angry now. Angry that the Doctor was unwilling to help him. Angry at the Doctor’s silence. Angry at himself for sacrificing Stephen. Angry that he would never again have contact with Alice. Angry at the loss of Ianto.

It was too much in the face of the Doctor’s silence. He wanted to tear the whole world apart and he was stuck here on a mountain. He didn’t even know where he was. He looked over at the Doctor again. And the man’s hair and clothes shifted before his eyes. Suddenly sat beside him was Frobisher. Jack’s anger flamed brighter. Finally, he cried out, “Then you can’t live either!”

Jack took hold of the Doctor by one shoulder and the neck and flung him over the boulder upon which they were sat. He heard the cracking of tree branches as the Doctor fell, but even then, the Doctor made no noise that Jack could discern. He really couldn’t be sure if everything that just happened had been a dream or not. It was all a haze. He stood and looked around. Off to the right, he saw a small path. He followed it, because he couldn’t sit still any longer.

The Doctor groaned as he slowly returned to consciousness. He looked around him and couldn’t really tell where he was. He was against a tree. Everything hurt again. He wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong or why Jack had attacked him. 

He knew he needed help, but humans could be idiots, so he didn’t want help from them. He slowly and carefully reached into a pocket. That hurt like hell, but it was the only way. He found his sonic. He activated it and it started to emit a soft chirp. He hoped the humans would ignore it. He was signalling the TARDIS.

Nardole had been reading a book for the past two hours. He knew that Jack and the Doctor needed time alone and he had nowhere he needed to be. Suddenly, there was a loud noise that erupted around him. It startled him so much that he dropped his book. He had never heard this alarm before.

As quickly as he could, he made his way to the console room. The noise was even louder here. The TARDIS seemed to be in distress. “All right, all right, Old Girl, I’m here. What’s wrong?”

The noise quieted enough that Nardole could hear his own thoughts again, but she was clearly not entirely appeased by his presence. He pulled a monitor to look at it and frowned as he saw the display. It was a map of sorts and there was a pulsing point on it. “You want me to go there? What’s wrong? Do you know what’s happened?”

A label appeared next to the pulsing dot that read ‘DOCTOR’. Nardole shook his head in confusion. “Jack’s with him. What do you need me for?”

The alarm started to blare loudly again. Nardole covered his ears. “Okay, Okay, I’ll go! Just stop with that noise!”

It took a few minutes for Nardole to gather a pack together. He wasn’t sure what he’d find, but after he saw what Jack had done to the Doctor last time, he didn’t want to go without some emergency supplies. He pulled out a small handheld device and plugged it into the console to download the map and the beacon’s information. Then, feeling as ready as he could, he left the TARDIS.

It took Nardole a good twenty minutes to make his way down the mountain to where the dot indicated the Doctor’s presence. When he did, he gasped. “Gracious me, how’d you end up there?”

In reply, the Doctor only groaned. Nardole hummed. “You didn’t slip and fall, I take it.”

The Doctor was stuck in a tree and Nardole wasn’t sure how he’d get him out. “For the first time, in a long time, I wish I were still in Hydroflax’s body.” He looked back up the mountain to where the TARDIS stood. “Doctor, talk to me. Can you move at all?”

“A little.”

Nardole could hear how much pain the Doctor was in. He started to dig through his pack. He hadn’t really planned for someone being stuck in a tree, but he thought he had a couple of things in the bag that would help. He grinned when he found what he was looking for: one of River’s emergency teleport bracelets. It would be able to transport both of them, he hoped.

“Okay, this is probably going to hurt a bit, but I need to get this on your body somehow. I think I can reach your ankle.”

Nardole worked quickly and as carefully as he could. Once it was on, he nodded. “Okay, I’m going to take hold of it. I can’t program it as directly as you can. You’ll need to activate the teleport with the sonic. We need to be transported directly to the medbay, okay?”

The Doctor groaned his understanding and slowly shifted the sonic to aim it at the device. 

The mountain environment disappeared before them in a flash. Nardole was stood in the medbay, but he found himself being pulled down by a weight from where his hand was holding the bracelet. He let go before he thought about things.

He heard the loud sound of flesh hitting the medbay floor and a groan from the Doctor. “Sorry, I didn’t plan that right.”

He approached the man on the floor and looked him over. “We can do most of the tests with you there, I don’t want to move you until we know it’s safe to.”

The Doctor wasn’t even replying anymore. It was enough for him to know he was safe in the TARDIS. But there was something important that needed to happen first. “Nardole.” He groaned. “Send us into the Vortex.”

Nardole hated the idea of leaving the Doctor, but he also knew that if he didn’t, the Doctor would never cooperate. He left, did as requested, and returned as quickly as he could. Luckily, the TARDIS had moved the console room to be right next to the medbay.

When Nardole made it back to the medbay, he found that the Doctor had moved himself onto one of the cots. He was covered in cuts and scrapes. He sighed. “Oh, Doctor, whatever am I to do with you?”

He huffed, which was the most he could really do. His voice was hoarse and soft. “Get on with healing me as quickly as possible.”

Nardole couldn’t argue with that. “Okay, let me get the scanners.”

He performed the necessary scans and was relieved to find nothing was broken. Some deep bruises and the cuts and scrapes from where the Doctor had hit rocks and branches seemed to be the worst of it. There was a concussion too, but since the Doctor had already returned to consciousness, Nardole wasn’t too worried about it.

“Right. That’s done. I’ll use the derma-activator to heal what I can, then I suggest you rest.”

The Doctor huffed again. “No argument from me.”  
“Really? You must really feel like rubbish, then.”  
“I do.”

Nardole started the long process to heal as many of the Doctor’s wounds as he could. Then he helped the Doctor to his bedroom. And asked his burning question along the way. “So what really happened?”  
“I thought it was obvious. Jack threw me over the side of the mountain.”  
“Still angry, then?”  
“Apparently.”  
“Are you going to go after him?”  
“No. I think he’s reached that point where he needs to do some healing on his own. Besides, I’m not really his Doctor.”

Nardole didn’t like the revelation. “I don’t understand. You’re the same man, always, right? I mean through regenerations and things. It’s not like you change at your fundamental core.”

  
“True. But that’s easier to say than to live through, especially when you’re grieving. No. He wants ‘Sandshoes and hair’, except when I was him, I was dealing with my own grief, so only made one last visit to him. It’ll be months from now. Jack’ll wander Earth for a bit and then go off to another planet, drowning his sorrows in drink, until I leave a parting gift with him.”

Nardole pursed his lips. “I’m sorry it didn’t go how you wanted it to.”

The Doctor shrugged. “Things rarely go how I want. I’ll be better by tomorrow.”  
“Promise?”  
“You know I don’t make promises.”  
“Liar.”  
“Well, not ones like that, anyway. I need rest, Nardole.”

The round man nodded. “Okay, need help into bed, or will you be okay?”  
“I’ll be okay. Good night, Nardole.”  
“Good night, sir.”

The Doctor made his way to bed and Nardole went back to send the TARDIS near the Vault. He needed to check on Missy.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read, commented, and kudoed this story.
> 
> I will start posting the next story in my hurt!Doctor series after the New Year starts.


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